


Exception to the Rule

by TeamScienceMegaNerds



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, but this is gonna be kinda emo, look i'm not trying to be emo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2019-12-26 01:13:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18272792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamScienceMegaNerds/pseuds/TeamScienceMegaNerds
Summary: Alex is a new recruit for the DEO, and on top of all their training, they have to do community service in National City as a way to connect with those around them. But Alex is hiding her severe PTSD, and it’s going decently until she meets Sam and gets roped into teaching her how to be a hospice nurse for her mother, a woman that Alex can tell Sam really doesn’t like.orEverything's fun and games until Sam and Alex turn their midnight cigarette meetups into therapy sessions that neither one of them are ready for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! Okay, so a few things about this story: 
> 
> 1\. There are no powers, but there just might be aliens...more on that later.  
> 2\. Kara isn't Supergirl, she's just a dweeb running a cafe with Winn who is also a dweeb.  
> 3\. Alex, Lucy, and Vasquez are currently in training for the D.E.O., Lena is still her awesome CEO self, and James works at CatCo

This is Alex’s least favorite time of year. The heat is sweltering, the streets are chaotic, and she’s always stuck doing something she doesn’t want to. Last week it was cleaning the sparring room because Lucy had forgotten to use the ram to break down a door, and instead, she’d - impressively - taken out the door with one swift kick. Hank didn’t seem to enjoy dishing out the punishment, but at least _it’s a progressive use of your time_ , or so he said. This week Kara had literally forced her to introduce herself to her downstairs neighbor because Kara’s new dog was making too much noise, and in a panic, Kara had blamed it on Alex’s restlessness. And even though Alex lived four blocks over and this would obviously never work, Alex still dragged herself from her DEO training to speak to Ms. Johnson because _that’s what sisters are for_.

 

Alex was almost convinced that each day had a quota of shit that she’d have to get through in order to get to the next day. And today, of course, was no different. It all started during morning drills when Vasquez had broken Jason’s nose because he was “handsy” and “a walking talking penis”. Lucy had backed Vasquez, but Alex was laying low in fear of being forced to clean the toilets or worse, so when Hank had all the recruits gather around for an announcement, Alex assumed that it had to do with harassment or Vasquez’s strange ability to break noses. Hank was so monotone and casual about his announcement that you would think he was telling them that they had weapons testing, not that they were all getting community assignments that would provide supplemental training for them. “This is a great opportunity for everyone. The DEO might be a covert organization, but in order to solidify our position effectively, we must take the time to learn what National City needs.” It’s as much of a speech as he’s ever given and Alex is convinced that he’s been listening to Cat Grant’s new weekly podcast on how to be a powerful leader.

 

There’s a sign-up sheet that gets passed around from recruit to recruit. Alex has to slip Hartman a ten, but she manages to get the sheet before everything is filled up. Most of the duties are focused on youth engagement, elderly care, or working with NCPD. Alex wouldn’t mind learning more about the police department, but her eyes fall on a job that’s clearly the least desirable - NORWICK APT. SECURITY, Hours: 10 pm - 6 am - and she smiles. Alex scribbles her name beside the listing, much to the dismay of Lucy who actually hits her and scrunches up her face in confusion.

 

Alex doesn’t expect anyone to understand, in fact, all the questioning stares are enough to almost make her reconsider, but Alex knows herself and she knows that this might be the best fit for her. It’s a quiet little apartment complex, how tough could it be? “You’re kissing ass,” Lucy quips as they start changing into their street clothes.

 

“I’m not.” Alex enjoys having Lucy as a friend, but it drives her insane how curious the other woman is. They’d started training six months ago, and it was absurd how quickly Lucy was able to figure out things about Alex that she’d hidden her whole life. It didn’t help that Lucy had infiltrated her way into Kara’s life too, and Alex could mostly blame James for that, but it made simple choices at work feel like a chore. “It actually seemed like the easiest job.”

 

“And the most boring,” Lucy says with a frown. “You should’ve gone for NCPD, those are some legit helpful connections.” Lucy isn’t wrong about anything she’s saying, but Alex sometimes struggled to get along with other law enforcement personnel. It was a problem when she was in the army, it’s probably still a problem now. “And your sleeping schedule is gonna be all fucked. Weekends pulling all-nighters and then coming here on the weekdays is gonna be a bitch.” Alex slings on her jacket, purposefully ignoring Lucy’s banter.

 

“I can handle it.”

 

“I know you can. Fucking overachieving ass.” Lucy and Alex head for the exit and to the parking garage. “Wanna grab a drink? I heard about this place that has a weekend happy hour that extends till nine.”

 

“Normally, I would, but my gig starts today,” Lucy doesn’t look hurt, just worried for Alex’s sanity. “Just text me before you text James, I’ll fucking kill you if I have to pick you up from his place again.” Lucy salutes and heads to her hybrid, Alex hops on her bike and heads home.

 

Alex loves her drive home more than she loves her apartment itself. Sure it’s quiet, cozy, and expertly furnished, but Kara is the queen of IKEA, and the best apartment in the world is still bland if it’s this...empty. Alex doesn’t enjoy feeling sorry for herself, so when she starts feeling like this she normally goes for the TV, her phone, or her favorite whiskey, but tonight she doesn’t have time for that. Instead, Alex naps on the couch and hopes to wake up on time.

 

Her alarm blares to life and after changing into more presentable clothing, Alex is on her way to The Norwick Apartments. Alex is not excited when she shows up. The place is massive, fourteen stories, god knows how many rooms. Alex is quickly starting to regret making this choice when she sees a stubby man approaching her with a clipboard. “Alex Danvers?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oh…” Alex notices the little badge he’s wearing around his neck. “I thought you’d be a guy.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“I can see that.” He shakes his head. “I’m Phil, I’m the afternoon guy, Dan’s the morning guy, and you’re the night gu-rl, person.” He smiles. It’s awkward and Alex wishes this whole interaction would end. Now. “Do you need a tour?”

 

“Is that a requirement?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then no.” Alex signs the form on the clipboard, enters in all her information, and promptly rejects the badge that Phil is holding out toward her. She does take the keys though. “I don’t really do badges.”

 

“Okay, whatever.” Phil looks like he wants to leave, so Alex does her best to start moving toward the apartment entrance. “So, this place is pretty calm. They’ve only got security because of some domestic violence shit that went down a few months ago. The main rules you need to remember are: every hour you gotta do a walkthrough, don’t become friends with the renters, and you’re not a cop.” Phil studies Alex as she nods her head. “I mean, I know that we all want to be heroes, but cops are cops-.”

 

“I got it.” Alex points to the door. “I can handle myself.” Phil doesn’t protest, he just jogs his way over to his beat-up _Accord_ and leaves the lot. One thing Alex has learned in life is to expect the unexpected. So, when someone says something like _this place is pretty calm_ , Alex knows to take the words at face value. Alex might not be a certified DEO agent just yet, but she knows that National City is anything but calm.

 

When Alex enters the lobby, she notices just how quiet the apartment complex seems to be. There’s no one in sight except this little old lady who is struggling to pull her folding grocery cart onto the elevator. Alex jogs over and assists her and the woman smiles so bright that Alex actually joins her on the way up. “You enjoy living here?” Alex asks as they’re nearing the woman’s stop.

 

“Oh, it’s lovely. Rent controlled and everything.” The woman cocks her head to the side. “Did you just move in?”

 

“Uh no, I’m the new night shift security guard,” Alex explains.

 

“When you get bored, just come to my apartment. We play cards just about every night.” Alex smiles and assures her that she’ll stop by before she heads all the way up to the top floor. From there, Alex just...walks around. It’s not the kind of apartment she was expecting. Cheerful renters, clean, quiet, and well managed, Alex is certain that this might actually turn into something more enjoyable than she’d realized. It doesn’t hurt that the roof is open, and even though there are just a few scattered folding chairs and a few empty beer cans up there, Alex is excited that she has easy access to fresh air without having to go all the way to the lobby.

 

This is the kind of thing that Alex is good at. Diligence, minimal human contact, and routine. And honestly, it’s going perfectly for her for all of two hours before Alex is literally almost trampled by a woman carrying an IV bag and a blanket. Alex slides out of the way just in time for the woman to avoid killing both of them and for her to catch her breath. “Shit, sorry,” is all Alex gets, as she watches brown hair, long legs, and an IV bag go rushing down the hallway and into apartment 606.

 

Alex could swear up and down about not being superstitious, but something about the strangeness of the interaction - which was more of a near collision - paired with the unlucky numbers has Alex on edge for the next hour. Phil had failed to mention whether Alex was allowed to take breaks or listen to music, but Alex found herself on the roof doing both.

 

Kara would kill her if she found out that she was smoking again, but her nerves had been heightened for the past six months, and since she’d quit taking sleeping pills, she had to rely on at least one vice to get her through the day. Sleeping, well, she’d pretty much given up on addressing her insomnia, and since it hadn’t interfered with her training, everything didn’t quite seem as out of control as it actually was. At least not yet.

 

Alex was fairly content sitting there on the roof, smoking, listening to music, and watching National City go to sleep. And everything was fine or at least seemed fine until Alex heard the roof access door _slam_ behind her. Alex didn’t flinch as hard as she usually does, but she does grab at the nothingness on her hip because she’s forgotten that she doesn’t have her weapon on her. She’s happy that she doesn’t have her gun when she sees that it’s just that brown haired woman pacing about twenty feet away. The woman doesn’t even seem to notice that Alex is there until Alex starts walking toward, and then suddenly her eyes go wide. Alex holds out a cigarette, which the woman takes, and Alex hands her a lighter.

 

Alex can’t help but look at the closed door, the brick she’d been using to prop it open is still wobbly from the way the woman had stormed outside. This lady really is a force of nature. “We’re locked up here,” Alex says nonchalantly. The woman nearly drops the cigarette out of her mouth, but she manages to grab it before she does. “Don’t worry, that clip in your hair will help.” Alex holds out her hand. “I’m Alex.”

 

“And you’re some kind of robber or something?”

 

“New security guard,” Alex corrects, and she can physically see the relief wash over the woman’s body. “First night, actually.”

 

“I’m Sam.” They shake hands, and once they’ve both calmed down a little more, Sam lets out an exasperated sigh. “Fuck, I’m not supposed to be smoking these.” She blows smoke up into the night air. The way she’s holding the cigarette makes Alex think that she really needed it.

 

“Me neither,” Alex studies Sam for a moment. “Who’d you make a promise to?”

 

“My daughter. You?”

 

“My sister.” Sam nods and they fall into that silence yet again. It’s not that Alex isn’t good with people, she just struggles with the kind of honesty that people want from her. Alex falls into quiet tension a lot, and it can make things awkward. Sam doesn’t seem to give a shit, as she continues to stare at the world around them. “Who are you running from?” Sam does actually drop her cigarette this time, but she pretends that her misstep was purposeful. Alex doesn’t linger on it for too long, she doesn’t want to make Sam uncomfortable, so she adds, “I mean...you ran out here kinda fast, and earlier you nearly decked me.”

 

“Oh...right.” Sam shakes her head. “Sorry, today’s been a long day.” Alex doesn’t ask about the IV bag, Phil was right about steering clear of the renters, so she tries to feign casual. “Can we…” Sam motions to the locked door and then pulls the pin out of her hair. “I need to get back downstairs.” Alex takes the pin, walks over to the door, and in seconds it’s unlocked. Sam looks more impressed than Alex feels is worthy, but they get in the elevator and head downstairs together as if nothing happened.

 

Which nothing did.

 

Alex is totally okay with never even seeing the woman again - that’s not true, Sam is totally hot and Alex knows it - but as Sam is getting off at her floor, she turns to Alex and says, “I had the IV bag because my mom is dying.” Alex doesn’t know exactly what to say and the elevator doors are already closing.

 

“Sorry,” Alex shouts between the closing doors.

 

“It’s okay,” Sam replies, and then the doors are closed, and Alex is more confused than she’s ever been. Alex really could ignore it and simply go back to work, but Sam’s tone was weird, and Alex can’t stop hearing those words over and over again throughout the rest of her shift. And even though Alex has no idea who this lady really is she decides that she’s going to find out, because her job is to keep the people at Norwick safe, and some lady dying probably wouldn’t go over too well.

 

As Alex hands the keys over to Dan on her way to her bike, she is reminded that it’s still her least favorite time of the year, only now she’s got some kind of secondary mission weighing on her, and if she wants to sleep ever again, she’s going to have to find out what the hell is with that Sam woman.

 

* * *

 

Kara thinks it’s absurd that Alex is working as a security guard. Alex loves her sister, but Kara is terrible at hiding how she really feels, and it’s pretty easy to pick up on that little tidbit even after Alex has gotten her mandatory two hours of sleep and is forced to watch Winn pile on absurd amounts of frosting on the new cupcake flavors. “I just feel like if you’re working for a top-secret organization, they could at least give you a cool job like training with a cop or something.”

 

“Kara, I chose my boring assignment all on my own. Besides, I actually enjoy having to do nothing for a change.” Kara cleans a few mugs behind the counter, as Winn continues to work. Alex can’t stop eyeing the lemon blueberry cupcake that Winn had completed ten minutes ago. Luckily for Alex, Kara and Winn run a highly successful, but very lowkey cafe right around the corner from her apartment.  _Berry Queen of Mugs_ , an absurd name, but since they'd come up with it during a pun-war five years ago, it totally fit. They have baked goods to die for, and the coffee is actually the best in town, despite the National City Press claiming that Noonan’s was better.

 

“People shouldn’t have to work all night, it’s inhumane,” Winn adds. “Sorry, is this just a sister thing?”

 

“It’s a sister thing,” Alex warns him before she has to move onto threats. Winn continues piping, while Kara waves goodbye to another one of her loyal customers. “Last night I just hung out on the roof-.”

 

“On the roof?” Kara furrows her brow, Alex sinks in her seat.

 

“Not in a depressed way, just in a…” Alex notices the way Winn keeps looking between Kara and Alex, almost like he wants to jump in on the conversation. To be a part of things. Alex does love Winn, in the same way that siblings do, but Kara is the only person who really knows Alex in this world. And it’s not only about being a private person because half the things about Alex had to be a secret or she could lose her job, but it was also about feeling like she could be trusted, without everyone tiptoeing around her emotions like Kara currently was. “I was relaxing.”

 

“You work too hard,” Kara reminds Alex. “When is your training over?”

 

“Just one more year.” Winn gapes, Alex eyes one of the cupcakes again. “How long until you let me try one of those?” Alex asks Winn.

 

“Just about now.” Winn slides up a cupcake over to Alex, and she quickly begins eating. “Is this your breakfast?”

 

“No.” But it is. Mainly because Alex has barely had time to shop for food, especially as training is moving from the classroom to a more physical approach. Everyone, including Lucy, was dragging their feet through most of it. Exhaustion just creeping in. But this is what the DEO expects. Perfection, power, pride. Alex’s phone buzzes on the table, it’s Phil, and Alex wonders if it’s common for the guards to text. 

 

 **[Phil]:** _Forgot to mention, but tomorrow can get a little hectic. Be sure to keep the roof locked._

 

 **[Alex]:** Got it, thanks!

 

Kara tries and fails to read the text and Alex continues eating her cupcake. Alex should probably figure out a better work/life balance now that she can’t go out drinking on the weekends. She probably wasn’t the most social person in the world, but she did enjoy hanging out for the most part. Brunch was going to have to become her best friend, which would probably make Kara happy, and Lucy too. They loved the casual comfort of a mimosa, Alex preferred whiskey. “So…” Kara clasps her hands together. “Tomorrow, I’ve got a whole picnic planned.”

 

“Ohhh, I love when you plan things.” Winn leans on the counter and waits for Kara to continue.

 

“We’re going to the beach-.”

 

“Five Points or Newbury?” Winn asks.

 

“Newbury, obviously.” Kara gives Alex a look that says _can you believe he just asked that_. “James is bringing his portable grill, Lucy’s got all the liquor, Vasquez apparently knits and she made a blanket-.”

 

“Vasquez? Who’s that?” Winn is so adorably clueless. Of course, the last two times they’d all gone out for drinks, Vasquez had joined, but Winn was so wasted that he barely even knew who he was. “Is he cute?” Winn asks hopefully.

 

“She’s very cute,” Kara says wiggling her eyebrows. Alex rolls her eyes. “And she’s the newest member of our friend group, so don’t freak her out with your weird jokes,” Kara warns. Winn gasps but he knows it’s true. “Alex, what are you bringing?”

 

“Myself?”

 

“Everyone has to bring something,” Kara tells her. And it’s just like Kara to force a potluck on Alex’s most frustrating day of the year. Tomorrow might be fun for everyone around her, convoluted patriotism in a time of fear, but for Alex, tomorrow was a hurdle. Something she’d have to face head-on. A day with forced smiles, shaky legs, and hiding from anything and anyone that tried to get close.

 

“Fine. I’ll bring dog treats for Krypto.”

 

“Perfect!” Kara grins and Alex sighs, happy to get Kara off her back. Just as she’s finishing her cupcake, the door dings open and Lucy saunters in wearing an oversized sweater and giant sunglasses.

 

“What’s up, motherfuckers? Who wants to go to _Lowe’s_ ?” This is the exact thing that Lucy always does. Show up out of the blue, saying something so wild that everyone has to stop what they’re doing. It’s _youngest child syndrome_ , Lucy always excuses, no matter how much Kara assures her that there’s no such thing. Alex rather appreciates Lucy’s antics, mainly because it allows her to fly under the radar, and for everyone to stay out of her personal business.

 

And a lot of things had been personal for Alex. Namely, suddenly figuring out that the way she looked at women wasn’t admiration but desire. It had taken about a year of freaking out before she’d finally accepted it and despite how easy Alex knows it’ll be to come out - Lucy and Kara are bisexual, Winn’s pansexual, and Vasquez is a lesbian - she just isn’t ready. The words have sat on her tongue all this time getting swallowed up by anything and everything that comes her way. There’s no shame anymore, just confusion. Fear that being twenty-eight is too old to be experiencing this. Worry that she won’t be good at this. Everyone else made it seem so easy. They all had their own language that Alex didn’t understand. They had this joy and community that Alex didn’t fit into, and it’d been so long that Alex wonders if she’ll ever find the time to say something.

 

No one seems to notice Alex sinking into herself. Kara sometimes worries, but Alex had gotten so used to deflecting that it’d been simple to get her to stop asking. Lucy and her big boisterous personality seemed to be the only person to really take notice of Alex’s changes. Lucy was obnoxious, but she had this uncanny ability to pick you apart. She knew just how to be there, no pressure, no fear, just someone to remind Alex that she was never alone.

 

“Hi to you too Lucy,” Kara says with a smile. “Winn and I are working, but Alex is free.”

 

“I’m not going to Lowe’s,” Alex interjects. “Why are you going to Lowe’s?”

 

“I’m trying to up my butch points and I need more plants,” Lucy says like it’s the most normal thing in the world. For her, it is. Lucy grabs Alex’s arm and flicks up her own sunglasses. “I’ll get you something.”

 

“What the hell would I want from there?”

 

“A fern?” Lucy asks.

 

“I don’t want a plant. I don’t know how to take care of them.”

 

“I’ll show you.” Lucy is dragging Alex toward the door now. “I’ll get you a cactus, you giant grump, come on.” Instead of being embarrassed by getting outmuscled by someone who looks like they could bench-press an ounce, Alex finally decides to join Lucy. “See you two tomorrow!” Lucy shouts over her shoulder. “How was your first shift?”

 

“Uneventful,” Alex tells her. “You?”

 

“I went on a ride along. Those NCPD assholes really think they’re hot shit.” Lucy slides into her car and Alex follows. “If they had any idea the kind of training that we go through...they’d lose it.” Lucy isn’t a violent person or an angry one, but somehow driving a car turns her into both. National City had terrible traffic and road rage was as common as joy out here. So, when Lucy honked and yelled a string of obscenities out of the window, Alex flinched. It’s the subtle things that stand out and unfortunately, Lucy noticed. “You alright?”

 

“I’m fine,” Alex says unconvincingly, but Lucy gets distracted by someone cutting her off. Alex turns on the music and waits until the entire ordeal is over.

 

Lowe’s is...actually kind of fun. The big towering shelves are the wood and metal version of Costco, and Lucy seems to be a regular because the guy in the paint section waves as soon as they walk in. Alex keeps getting sidetracked with ideas and at one point, Lucy elbows her side, and cackles. “You are so at home here.” Lucy is right about that. Alex and her dad had spent a lot of time completing odd projects around the house when she was young, including a tree house. They’d spent the weekdays completing measurements and blueprints and then the weekends were spent going to _Home Depot_ collecting all the equipment.

 

Kara would sometimes tag along. At first, Alex resented her butting in on her time with her dad, but then Kara and she would take turns pushing each other in the cart, and soon Alex learned to love those trips more than anything. And when everything went to shit, Alex stopped designing projects that were realistic. She started dreaming up spaceships that she wished could take her far away. Anywhere, but her home.

 

“Can we get your stupid plants already?” Lucy pushes her lumber cart forward as they head into the plant section of the store. “Why can’t you just get a dog like a normal person?”

 

“Plants are my dogs. They’re living things,” Lucy reminds Alex. “Plus, we don’t have time for dogs or cats. Plants are the only thing I can take care of.” Oh god, now Alex gets it. Lucy might be floating around this store like a little kid, but really she just wanted something to take care of. A reminder that she can do this, that she is strong enough to survive. Alex wants to beat herself up for never catching onto that fact. “I wanna get you something.”

 

“Please don’t.”

 

“How about a Calathea?” Lucy questions, pointing to a small plant with purple and green leaves. “It’s so showy. It’s totally the opposite of you.” Lucy places the pot on her cart. “You’re like…”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re a brick wall. And I don’t mean that in a bad or a good way, it’s just a fact.” Lucy looks at Alex thoughtfully. “I want to remind you that you aren’t alone.” It’s such a stark departure from their typical interactions and Alex doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know how to tell Lucy that she’s thankful for her presence, that she doesn’t mean to be so closed off, that if she ever told her the truth about everything, her life would collapse. “Training is hard, but finding time to actually be normal is harder.” Lucy nods to the plant. “Take care of your new kid.”

 

“I will,” Alex says with a laugh. They head up to the register. Lucy is honest to god bouncing on her toes while she talks to the cashier about soil. Alex adds a candy bar to the purchase, which Lucy pretends not to notice, and Lucy promises to pay her if she helps take her plants up to her apartment. Alex is happy to help because it means another hour that she gets to spend bullshitting with Lucy and because Lucy has a badass espresso machine that would put Kara’s to shame.

 

“You should see yourself right now,” Lucy blurts out after they’d hauled the plants upstairs, appropriately places them in or away from the sun, and watered all of the other plants that Lucy has. Alex is making her second drink and Lucy is looking at her like she’s some kind of alien creature that’s just descended from the sky.

 

“Stop looking at me.”

 

“I can’t help it,” Lucy rests her chin on her palms. “Hank spends like half the day talking about how tough and badass you are, and you’re literally derailed by my coffee machine.”

 

“It’s cool!”

 

“I’m not judging,” Lucy assures her. “Can I tell you something?” Lucy looks like she’s on the verge of bursting. Whatever hangover-chic look she had going on, she’d traded it for weekend loungewear. Sweatpants and a wide-neck sweater that had to belong to James. Her hair was tied into a messy high-ponytail, and she looked so free and happy that Alex wished she could find a way to feel the same way.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You’re a great person to spend time with, but…”

 

“But?”

 

“I wish I knew more about you.”

 

“You know everything about me,” Alex lies. And it almost surprises her how easy it feels.

 

“You grew up in Midvale, went to MIT like a dork, you were an Army medic for a few years, and then you moved to National City.” Lucy shrugs her shoulders. “I know what Kara had for breakfast yesterday.”

 

“Kara overshares.”

 

“I know, but you’re this awesome person, and I feel like you’re scared of that.” Lucy drums her fingers against the counter. “Sorry, I’m pressuring you.”

 

“No, it’s okay.” Alex wants to jump in, to explain everything. She doesn’t want Lucy to feel bad for wanting to know her better. Alex recognizes the tentative question, the slow build up, and she feels like she’s gone from this cool new person in Lucy’s life, to someone who reminds her of Lois. Alex doesn’t want to be that. She wants to show her that she’s here, and present, and she can be a trustworthy friend. “I went to MIT when I was sixteen. I flew through high school so fast because I couldn’t handle being around my mom anymore. My dad, he…” Alex can feel her throat tightening, her face is warm, and her hands get clammy. “Shit, sorry-.”

 

“Don’t be. Hey.” Lucy pulls her into a hug. “I had a terrible breakdown in college. I bottled up a lot of shit and I don’t want something like that to happen to you.” Lucy keeps holding onto Alex. It’s like neither one of them really knows how to let go. It’s remarkable how easy it is to collide into another person when you both need something to hang onto.

 

When they finally do let go and Alex realizes that she should get ready for her next shift, Lucy makes sure that she has all the necessary equipment for her new plant. Lucy walks her downstairs and makes a big deal about wanting to drive her home, but Alex takes a car service instead.

 

Alex’s apartment is dark and quiet when she gets there. Like always. But then she places her new child in the room and suddenly there’s a warmth that she never would’ve expected. This time, Alex doesn’t bring a jacket to work, just her headphones and a paperclip in case she gets locked up on the roof again.

 

Phil is wearing a red, white, and blue bandana when she arrives. He looks positively giddy. “The Fourth is my favorite holiday, you know.” Alex doesn’t know and certainly can’t relate, so she just nods as he hands the keys over to her. It’s a warm night, but Alex doesn’t want to be outside. So she spends more time walking around each floor. Occasionally, she smiles and says hi when she runs into a tenant, but mostly, Alex just walks around listening to music and doing absolutely nothing.

 

Alex notices that there are more kids running around tonight. They seem eager to play on the elevators, so Alex is walking up the stairs when she runs into Sam again. She isn’t sure whether or not she was hoping this would happen, but Sam looks so devastatingly upset that Alex flings off her earphones, and takes a few tentative steps toward her. “Everything okay?”

 

Sam lets out a breath. Her eyes water for a moment before looking away from Alex. “Sorry, you don’t need this.” Sam looks frustrated. Like she’s annoyed at herself for letting someone see her like this. Alex didn’t know exactly what was going on, but she knew that she didn’t want Sam to feel like that.

 

“Want to talk about it?” As soon as the words leave Alex’s mouth, Sam looks at her like she’s crazy. “Or not.”

 

“No, I’m just surprised.” Sam shakes it off. “And, really, unless you know how to change an IV, I don’t think you could really help me.”

 

“You’re in luck then.” Sam couldn’t look any more confused than she does now. “I was a nurse,” Alex tells her, and even though that’s not the full truth, it still makes Sam look like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Seriously.”

 

“Would you be okay with helping me change my mother’s IV?” Sam and Alex both know how absurd the question is, but Alex isn’t doing anything important, so she nods and follows Sam upstairs. As they get to the door, Sam suddenly looks incredibly self-conscious. “It’s kind of a mess in there.”

 

“It’s alright,” Alex assures her.

 

Sam hesitates a little more before finally opening the door. It isn’t a mess. At all. It’s just quiet sans for the sounds of an oxygen tank coming from the other room. Alex wasn’t really a betting woman, but this was clearly not where Sam lived. The furniture was old, the paintings dated, the carpet was a strange green that made the room look like a nursing home. “She’s in the bedroom.” Alex takes a few steps forward but then is suddenly stopped by Sam grabbing her hand. “This is crazy.”

 

“If you need help, I can help.” Sam releases her and they both walk down the long hallway and finally arrive at a closed door. Alex knocks.

 

“Come in.” The voice is quiet, but there’s some force behind it. That’s a good sign in Alex’s mind. Alex opens the door and steps aside when Sam beelines it to the bed. The woman laying there has this beautiful white hair. Alex had been through so much shit in her life, so when she’d ended up in overwhelming situations, she had to find ways to focus on small things. Like this lady’s hair. “Who’s this?”

 

“That’s Alex, mom. She’s here to help.”

 

“I’m Patricia, call me _Patricia.”_

 

“Hi.” Alex tentatively walks over, unsure if this woman looks this distrusting of everyone she encounters, or if she’s annoyed by the use of the word help. “Sam says she’s struggling with the IV bag.”

 

“She can’t put the needle in worth a damn,” Patricia says with a sneer. Alex ignores her quip, it’s easy to feel upset when you have no control over your life. Alex appraises the setup, this is a hospice room, that much is clear.

 

“Well, let’s figure this out then.” Alex grabs some gloves off the nightstand and begins hooking up the bag first. “You’re dehydrated, huh?”

 

“I can barely eat,” Patricia watches Alex work for a moment. “You’re really a nurse?”

 

“Yes, ma’am.” Alex hooks up the bag and focuses on the needle now. “Freelancing tonight.”

 

“We can’t afford that.” Patricia frowns and looks to Sam.

 

“Don’t worry, I work for free.” Alex studies Patricia’s arm. “You’ve got small veins.”

 

“That’s what all the docs said.” She flexes her hand.

 

“How about you give my hand a little squeeze, Patricia?” Alex holds out her hand, which Patricia takes. She squeezes a few times. “That’s all you got? Come on.” She squeezes harder this time, trying to prove Alex wrong. “There we go.” Alex releases Patricia’s hand once she’s able to find a vein. When Alex has the needle in, the rest is all muscle memory. She’s surprised when she notices Sam looking away, but tries to keep the mood light for Patricia’s sake. “Tough as nails.” Patricia laughs along with Alex.

 

“Thank you, Alex,” Sam twists her hands nervously for a moment. “Let me walk you out.” _Walking her out_ , turns into Sam lingering by the elevator, clearly avoiding a quick return to Patricia’s apartment.

 

“Want a smoke?” Alex offers.

 

“Yes, please.”

 

“No roofs, though,” Alex warns, the last thing she needs is to get stuck up there and not have an escape route.

 

“I know a place.” Sam has this mischievous edge about her. Alex noticed it the night before, but now she’s clicking the B2 button in the elevator, and Alex is just now figuring out that she should be walking these halls too. It’s a little damp, a little dark, and everything is quiet except the humming of a dryer coming from the laundry room. They don’t go into the laundry room though. Instead, Sam leads them to this storage space that’s filled with old bookshelves, chairs, and tables. “Creepy, huh?” Sam says the words playfully before flicking on a light and heading over to the back of the room.

 

“What are you doing?” Alex asks, while Sam climbs onto a table and starts messing with the smoke detector. “I guess you’ve done this before.” Sam laughs and hops off the table. Alex grabs her pack of cigarettes and hands one to Sam.

 

“Is this a punishable offense?”

 

“Not for you. For me? I’d probably get fired,” Alex says as she lights up. “Don’t tell on me, okay?”

 

“Are you kidding? You have no idea how much you just helped me.” Sam leans against the table. “It’s just so frustrating, you know? My mom wasn’t a part of my life for a very long time and then she calls me out of the blue to tell me that she’s sick and that she needs me to take care of her.”

 

“What about getting a nurse?”

 

“I just moved out here. My daughter’s in private school, so...we just can’t afford it,” Sam explains. “I don’t mean to unload all this on you. What you did up there was kind but totally unnecessary.”

 

“I’m happy to help,” Alex assures her. They fall into a comfortable silence and Alex tries not to look too much at Sam. Alex, of course, knows how beautiful the woman standing in front of her is. She’s tall and even though the clothes she’s wearing aren’t particularly remarkable, their fit accent every beautiful thing about her, which is literally everything. Alex should feel a bit of shame for letting her eyes trail down the other woman’s body, but her pent up sexual frustrations had just started to make themselves known recently, and Alex was struggling to deal with them.

 

“So, why the change in careers?”

 

“Oh...um, this is just a weekend thing. I work for the government during the week.”

 

“Mysterious.”

 

“I don’t mean to be.”

 

“It’s okay.” Sam shrugs. “Do you work tomorrow night?”

 

“Unfortunately, yes.”

 

“Hm.” Sam ponders for a moment. “I don’t live in that apartment with my mom. We live on the eighth floor. It’s crazy, but we need our own space, and we’re having a get-together tomorrow. Lots of food, if you want to just pop your head in.”

 

“I might.”

 

“Apartment 803.” Alex nods, though she isn’t unsure about actually stopping by. What she is sure about is Sam’s genuine kindness. Alex has had to sit through a lot of bullshit in her life and even more unwanted pressures, but Sam is just a breath of fresh air. She doesn’t seem to want to push Alex in any way, but she also doesn’t seem thrilled by the idea of being extremely open and honest either. They’re just two people who happen to be in the same vicinity, with probably nothing in common except their terrible smoking habit. And even though Alex knows she’s about to risk this small comfort at her new and very boring side job, she still says something she’s been thinking since they left Patricia’s room.

 

“You’re scared of needles?”

 

“What? No.” Alex knows Sam is lying. Sam looked ghostly white when Alex was working with the IV earlier. “I mean kind of.”

 

“If you can’t handle your mother’s care, then you should consider hospice care somewhere where they can take care of her.” That hits a nerve. Alex can sense the tension rising.

 

“Thanks for the advice.”

 

“I’m not trying to be a jerk, alright? Caring for someone is an extremely difficult thing to do. I don’t want you to be overwhelmed.” That does very little to quell the tension and Alex begins to wonder exactly why she’s trying to backtrack. “If you need help on the weekends, then come find me.” Sam looks up at Alex again, all that life and warmth is back in the room. Just as Alex is about to offer to give Sam her phone number - for emergency purposes only - Sam gets a phone call.

 

“Hey, sweetheart.” Sam laughs into the phone. “Okay...I’ll be right up.” Sam ends the call and gives Alex an apologetic smile. “Mother duty calls.”

 

“Yeah, of course.” Sam snubs out the cigarette on the bottom of her shoe. “803, don’t forget.” Alex won’t forget because now she isn’t just intrigued, she’s a little bit invested. Sam is clearly in over her head and since Alex has free time and she knows what she’s doing, it’s not too much of a stretch to go and check on Patricia every once in a while.

 

Alex just needs to find a way to live through tomorrow and then she can really hit her stride. Just live through tomorrow and everything will be fine.

 

* * *

 

Kara, as it turns out, is a menace to society. Alex knows that she loves holidays more than anything, but the American flag trunks and bikini top are seriously absurd. And it isn’t that Alex doesn’t enjoy helping out, but the big band music that’s been playing in Kara’s apartment for the past hour is giving her a headache. Luckily, Winn is there to provide quality entertainment and feed Alex while Kara is backing up some bags. Krypto, of course, is happy to see her, and those cuddles are almost worth having to listen to this annoying music. “James is gonna be there, right?”

 

“Yes, Winn,” Kara says with a laugh. “Thirsty.”

 

“I have eyes, sue me.” Winn joins Alex on the couch. “What’s the deal with Kara?” Winn whispers to Alex. “She’s so excited today.” It’s true. This is the kind of thing that Kara lives for. It’s food and fun, but for her, it’s more than that. Kara lost her parents when she was young, and after bouncing around to a few foster homes, she landed with the Danvers family when she was ten. It was a hard adjustment. For everyone. But Kara slowly started to view holidays as something exciting, right around the time when she started to feel like she had a real family. Kara embraces family in a way that Alex could never understand. For Alex, it was much harder to get free of the shit she’d gone through. She’d run away from her problems at home only to face more trauma overseas. It seemed like she couldn’t escape it. Ever.

 

“This is how she shows people that she loves them.” Alex picks up Krypto and walks over to Kara. “Can we leave now?”

 

“Yeah.” Kara grabs her cooler and throws on her sunglass. “I’m so excited! Aren’t you?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Actually, the beach isn’t terrible. It’s hot, but not scalding, and since there are no fireworks on this end of the beach, it’s much less crowded. James is running the grill, but he keeps reminding everyone that it isn’t a hyper-masculine thing, he just enjoys cooking. Alex understands why Lucy dated him for a while, he’s got a gentleness about him, but he’s constantly judging Lucy when she charges into just about every space.

 

Vasquez has brought a surfboard and spends the bulk of her time running back and forth between the water and where they’re all lounging, to pet Krypto, make fun of Lucy, and then dive back in. Winn and Kara are half-checking James out and half debating whether or not it’s appropriate to ask out a regular customer. “Who are you trying to ask out?” Alex asks because as far as she’s concerned no one is good enough for her sister. And she hasn’t had to break out a shovel talk in quite a long time.

 

Winn is a giggling mess, while Kara looks as red as  Winn’s speedo. “No one, Alex,” Kara lies, even though her grin is still very much present on her face. “Just like the hottest woman in National City.”

 

“Me?” Lucy says without even lifting her head up.

 

“The biggest problem is, I don’t want to lose a customer.”

 

“Especially a rich one,” Winn adds.

 

“And I refuse to be the creepy cafe owner who makes someone feel out of place. That’s totally not fair to her.” Kara taps her chin thoughtfully.

 

“Maybe you should offer her a free coffee or something? Ask about her day? Small things to let her know you’re interested,” Alex’s suggestion is met with a comically large grin from literally everyone, including James. “What?”

 

“Look at you, flirting 101 over here.” Lucy flips up her sunglasses. “If you got game and you’re not telling me, I’m gonna be so mad.”

 

“I don’t. Trust me.” Alex really doesn’t know that much about flirting. She knows how to be friendly, sure, but mostly all of her flirting was falling into men’s arms. Smiling when they gave her a drink. Now that she’s more aware of her attraction to women, Alex is even more confused. Plenty of women smile at her, touch her arm, or make comments that sometimes have her stomach twisting and cheeks warm. But she doesn’t know how to reciprocate.

 

“Whatever. I’m watching you,” Lucy puts her sunglasses on and lays back down.

 

“I’m gonna go for it,” Kara tells Winn.

 

“Good.”

 

“Food’s ready,” James exclaims. Kara literally jumps over Alex and Lucy to get to the grill. Alex resigns herself to just enjoying the day, despite all her fears. Nothing terrible had happened yet and Alex was really starting to feel safe and calm. It helped that underneath all of Lucy’s banter, there was something real breaking free. Alex, of course, had always known it was there. But in between training and blowing off steam from training, she’d only recently started to connect with Lucy.

 

“You feeling all sappy because of our heart to heart?” Lucy asks as they’re digging into their food.

 

“Not really.”

 

“Right.” Lucy leans close, so close that Alex almost backs up out of fear. Her gut reaction is to run, hide from that kind of closeness. “The DEO is shit when it comes to actually caring about how we’re doing. I’ll be your go-to person if you’ll be mine.”

 

Kara slides onto the blanket between them before Alex can answer, but Lucy already knows she’ll say yes. Kara looks so peaceful and happy that Alex has to smile. But then something clouds Kara’s eyes, a quick little hesitation before she looks like herself again. “You okay?”

 

“I just keep thinking about dad.”

  
“What about him?” Alex can see that Lucy is listening in, so she tries to keep her voice as even-toned as possible. It isn’t working.

 

“He was really terrible at grilling. Mom always had to take over before he burned everything.” Kara looks out toward the water and then to Alex. “We used to go and set off our own fireworks on the beach, remember? You knew exactly how to set them up. I always thought that was so cool.”

 

“Kara…”

 

“I know.” Kara wraps her arm around Alex’s shoulders. Alex stands abruptly and heads back toward the parking lot. Lucy and Kara are at a loss, but Kara is quick to act. She sprints across the sand and grabs Alex’s arm before she can get too far. “You never talk about him-.”

 

“Because I don’t want to, Kara.”

 

“You should. You weren’t the only one who lost him-”

 

“But I’m the one who was there!” Alex pulls her arm away from Kara. The way Kara crumbles makes Alex regret being so harsh.

 

“I try to make things easier for you. I even took us to this beach because there are no fireworks.” Alex grabs Kara’s arm, probably too hard, too forcefully.

 

“Did you say that to them?” Alex snaps.

 

“Of course not!”

 

“Kara, you can’t say shit like that. I’ll lose my job, you get it?” Alex releases her. Shame sinks in immediately. The last thing she wants to do is to be the person who can’t control her anger. She doesn’t want to hurt Kara, who has always been there to support her. “I should go.”

 

“Don’t.”

 

“Kara, I don’t want to ruin your day.” What Alex really wants to say is that she can’t handle this. Alex wants to remind Kara that she doesn’t get to have those wonderful memories. All she has is the sound of screaming. All she has is blood covering her hands. And that will never go away. “I’m sorry.” Alex doesn’t wait for Kara to beg her, instead, she climbs on her bike and speeds away. Alex has gotten really good at running away from her problems. Frankly, if it was a sport, she’d be the champion. But the more she let people in, the harder it was becoming to push her guilt down and keep hiding.

 

When Alex gets home she immediately puts on her noise canceling headphones and blasts some grundy 90s rock. She focuses on cleaning, meal prepping for the week, and most importantly not thinking about the possibility of running into Sam tonight.

 

Alex ignores the calls and texts that she gets from Lucy and Kara. As she’s grabbing the keys from Phil she can tell that he’s clearly drunk. She doesn’t really want to say anything, but he gives her a jolly kind of smile, before telling her, “There’s a bottle of _Jack_ in the storage closet on floor four. Happy 4th of July!” Alex puts that little nugget of information into her back pocket for another time before she plugs in her earphones and heads inside.

 

The apartment building is crazy tonight. Parties seem to be happening on every floor and no matter how much Alex tells herself to just go find somewhere to be alone, she finds herself standing in front of apartment 803, like the idiot she is. She’s just going to pop in and say hi, that’s all, but as soon as she knocks she starts to get cold feet. Sam was probably just being nice, she didn’t actually want Alex there.

 

What if there are fireworks outside? She can’t freak out in someone else’s home, especially someone she just met. Alex is seconds away from literally sprinting down the hallway when Sam throws the door open and grins. “You made it!”

 

There are a ton of people packed into Sam’s apartment but Alex can still tell that it has a fresh and modern set up. Sam looks stunning. Her hair is pulled back into a bun, she’s wearing a see-through floral blouse and white shorts. Alex is clearly out of place with her old jeans and an orange t-shirt. Everyone around them looks like they jumped out of a catalog, it’s ridiculous. “Yeah, just wanted to say hi.”

 

Alex is forming the words to excuse herself from this crazy situation when Lena fucking Luthor steps out of the crowd and wraps her arm around Sam’s waist. “Darling, please tell me you made those brownie things.” Lena seems to take notice of Alex and if Alex could pick her jaw up off the floor, she would, but right now she cannot believe that the most successful woman in National City was standing in front of her. Lena Luthor was somewhat of a legend at the DEO. Her forward thinking ideas inspired them. They often talked about her research and even her theories about life on other planets. Vasquez and Alex were X-Files geeks at heart, so they enjoyed reading articles during their lunch breaks. One day Lucy came over to their table in the mess hall, threw down a magazine cover with Lena Luthor posing in her lab, and shouting _why did no one tell me she’s so hot_. From that day on, they continued their discussions with Lucy occasionally jumping in and showing them a post from Lena’s Instagram. “Oh, hello.” Lena smiles at Alex.

 

“Uh...hi.” Sam must sense Alex’s nervousness, so she jumps in.

 

“Lena, Alex, Alex, Lena.” Sam looks between them for a second. “Alex works security at the building.”

 

“Really? Do you have handcuffs?” Sam smacks Lena’s arm and pulls Alex further into the kitchen.

 

“She’s drunk, ignore her.” Sam motions to the beautiful spread of food. “Anything you want.” Sam grabs a plate for Alex, but Lena’s hovering is making Alex uneasy and she’s more of a blushing mess than an actual human. “Is Lena bothering you?”

 

“I’m not bothering her,” Lena exclaims, offended. “I just didn’t know you had any cool friends except me.”

 

“I’m not cool,” Alex assures Lena.

 

“Don’t be modest. You know how to pick locks and change IV bags, that’s kinda cool.” Sam must know that Alex isn’t certain about how much food she should take, so she starts putting different foods on her plate for her. “Lena’s my boss.”

 

“I’m her friend first,” Lena chimes in. It’s obvious from their banter that these two have known one another for a long time. There’s a certain level of intimacy that seems natural between them. “So, does anything interesting happen here?”

 

“Not really.” Alex shrugs. “Not yet at least. This is only my third night.”

 

“Your third night and you’re already getting invited to parties? That’s impressive.” Lena snags a fry off of Alex’s plate and takes a bite. “Have you met her mom yet?” Lena inquires. Sam grimaces and it’s clear that this is really not something Sam wants them talking about.

 

“Yeah, I helped change her IV bag yesterday.”

 

“ _Mom_ is an arbitrary word, don’t you think, Alex? Moms don’t usually kick their children out of their homes, do they?” Lena takes a deep breath. “Wow, okay, I’m drunk.”

 

“Go take a seat. Mingle for me.” Lena gives Sam an apologetic look before disappearing into the crowd again. Sam doesn’t look at Alex right away. Alex takes this as a sign to give Sam space to talk when she’s ready. “Sorry about her.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“You must I think I’m crazy. Taking care of someone who did that to me.” Alex doesn’t think she’s crazy. Actually, she feels like she’s actually taking a pretty big step toward understanding Sam. Alex knows this is odd. Leaning so far into another person’s life this way. Alex doesn’t even know Sam’s last name for Christ’s sake.

 

“I understand.” Alex doesn’t know how to convince Sam that she isn’t just saying those words. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have enough time anyway. Fireworks erupt outside and Alex holds the paper plate so tight, that her food starts to mush together. “I should go.”

 

“Alex…”

 

Alex can feel her feet moving but she doesn’t know where she’s going. All she’s focusing on is getting out. She needs to get out. She needs to go somewhere. It isn’t until she’s cramped under a table in the basement that her mind finally catches up to her body. Her hands can only do so much to cover her ears, she can still hear the _Boom_ of fireworks erupting outside. She should’ve brought her noise canceling headphones. She should’ve been smarter about finding a place to hide. Now all she can hear is the fireworks and her heart pounding in her chest.

 

She’s experienced this plenty of times. At home. In the field. She usually knows how to manage it better, but right now she feels like her body is boiling, and everything around her is crashing down. Her dizziness is getting worse. She’s struggling to breathe. Fuck. She’s having a panic attack and she can’t remember how to make it stop.

 

“Hello?” Alex can hear voices and shuffling feet. She wants to look up, but she can’t really move. After a long moment, she feels someone beside her, and then she sees a girl sitting in front of her.

 

“Fireworks are really scary, aren’t they?” The girl holds out her hand and Alex takes it, thankful to have someone else there. “Don’t worry, I’m scared too.” Alex feels a blanket being wrapped around her and this little girl, it’s warm, heavy, and safe. Something about the whole situation is calming, and Alex is finally able to start breathing again.

 

“Alex.” It’s Sam and she isn’t looking at Alex like she’s some kind of freak. Instead, she’s kneeling next to her, looking at her just as she had upstairs. “We’re going to stay down here until the fireworks are over. And then I’ll get you two some ice cream.” Alex can’t really form words, so she nods her head.

 

“You both are being very brave.” When Sam says it, it doesn’t feel patronizing. She spends the next thirty minutes holding their hands and Alex has honestly never known what it could feel like to have someone there supporting her through something like this. It was a lucky break and maybe Alex needed that. More than anything, Alex decides that she needs to find a way to thank Sam. Alex isn’t ready for a lot of things, but being a helping hand runs in her blood. Sam might not be anything more than just a random woman who keeps weaving her way into Alex’s mind, but that isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened. And somehow, seeing Ruby facing her fears alongside her has sparked some level of protectiveness and solidarity with a child who has only said a few words to her. Alex doesn’t feel terrified like she always does, she doesn’t even feel alone.

 

When Alex finally is able to stand again, Ruby is bouncing on her toes, discussing what her favorite ice cream is. Before they can leave the room, Alex reaches out and grabs Sam’s hand. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

 

“Any time.” Sam’s sincerity makes the hairs on Alex’s arms stand up. Alex feels cold and hot and her heart can’t seem to find its rhythm again. Before Alex can overthink things, Ruby is popping her head back in the room.

 

“Come on, Alex. Ice cream is waiting for us!” Alex laughs and follows this wonderful little kid out of the room.

  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, you all are fantastic!

Alex doesn’t go upstairs and get ice cream with Ruby and Sam. She makes up some rushed bullshit excuse about needing to do a walk through and practically runs away. It all starts to catch up with her. The fear, the isolation, the fact that she let a total stranger see her at her most vulnerable. It was far too much. Alex appreciated Sam, but she doesn’t want to be taken care of, she can figure this out on her own. 

 

The rest of her shift does go by rather fast and she’s excited for all of five minutes until she realizes that she has DEO training today, and she’d probably get around an hour of sleep, not her usual three or so. She tries not to let it bother her. She tries to force herself to be numb. Drills are just drills. Banter at lunch is just a friendly chat about weekends and the holiday and a really good movie recommendation from Vasquez. Everything is normal and calm, and then Hank kneels beside her before weapons training begins. “Danvers, can I see you in the lab?” Getting singled out is never a good thing, but Alex cannot fathom what she’s done wrong. Lucy gives her a curious glance as she leaves the room, but Alex doesn’t have enough time to think about that or to feel embarrassed.

 

Alex is fucking terrified. They know. They must know something is wrong. Alex tries to rack her brain, she tries to figure out how they found out about her. Maybe they’d gone through her medical reports. They’d been sealed ages ago, but this was the DEO, they could pretty much do anything. Or was it the way she reacted when Doyle set off a smoke grenade too early during one of their extraction drills? Alex had been very upset, but she thought she played it off well. Apparently not. 

 

Hank wasn’t always very excitable or overly friendly, but he always managed small talk or at least friendly gestures when it came to Alex. Right now, he seemed cold. Alex is too afraid to speak, she doesn’t know how she’ll explain herself. Hank opens the lab doors and motions for Alex to enter. When she does she sees Dr. Finnigan standing there. “Alex, how’s it going?” Dr. Finnigan asks with a smile. 

 

“Not sure.” Alex turns to Hank and waits for him to ruin her entire life. 

 

“Hank! You didn’t tell her?” 

 

“Thought I’d let you stew for a moment, Danvers.” Hank finally smiles and Alex feels like she’s witnessing some kind of DEO insiders ritual. “Random drug test.” Dr. Finnigan holds up a tiny little cup for Alex to see. 

 

“Oh.” That’s, not at all what she expected, but something still seems off. Like they aren’t telling her what this is really about. “Just me?” 

 

“Don’t worry, this is a good thing,” Finnigan insists. Alex isn’t so sure, but at least she still has her job. For now. Alex can’t figure out what the inside secret is, but she tries her best not to look unnerved when she returns to training. Lucy doesn’t even ask her what’s going on, which is a nice way to remind Alex that she’s got a real friend there for support. Alex doesn’t join the rest of the trainees for a drink, instead, she goes home and maps out a sleep schedule - that she’ll never stick to - and cleans the kitchen that she barely uses. 

 

No matter how much mindless shit she ends up doing, she can’t stop thinking about Sam. This must be a terrible time for her. Trying to balance her life with a kid and with her dying mother. Alex isn’t sure if she’s the right person to be there for her, considering she can barely be there for herself, but...she knows how this feels. And Alex needs to stop pushing people out of her life, and she clearly needs to find a way to say thank you. So, Alex searches the internet for helpful hints, scribbles some notes down on a piece of paper, and drives all the way over to Sam’s apartment. Alex doesn’t know if Sam will be home or not, and she’d be happy to save herself the awkwardness and just slip the note under the door, but Sam opens the door when she knocks and waves her inside. 

 

Sam looks exhausted. Her apartment is still in various stages of disarray from last night. Sam is on the phone with someone, and Alex can tell by the way she keeps rolling her eyes that it’s someone she doesn’t like. Sam’s wearing this slim light pink pantsuit, and Alex finds herself interested in the way Sam’s frustrated demeanor clashes with such a soft color. Alex tries not to look too much; instead, she focuses on the quiet of the rest of the apartment. She had expected Ruby to be there, but she doesn’t see her, and half the point of coming over here was to apologize. 

 

Sam looks over at Alex and makes a motion with her hand, like the person in the other end is blabbering on and on. Alex laughs because she’d never seen someone look so animated while being completely silent on the phone. Sam points to a chair and Alex sits down. She places the piece of paper in front of her. Sam presses a button on her phone screen and looks at the paper pointedly. “Eviction notice? A love letter?” 

 

“Neither.” Alex points to Sam’s phone. “Can they hear you?” 

 

“It’s a conference call, I’m on mute.” Sam presses another button on her phone. “Sounds great, Jim, we’ll have that to you tomorrow. Anything else, Lena?” Sam nods at something that’s just been said and then fake laughs. “You’re so funny, Jim, see you tomorrow.” Sam hangs up the phone and throws it across the room on her couch. “God, that guy is so annoying.”

 

“Sorry, this is obviously a bad time…”

 

“No, I’m just...I’m a mess. Give me five seconds.” Sam jogs back toward what Alex assumes is her bedroom. Alex toys with the paper that she’s holding in her hands. This is stupid. Alex is overstepping, and what’s worse is that Sam probably feels pity for her. When Sam returns she’s wearing a hoodie and leggings, and she looks much more relaxed than she had been a few moments ago. “Hi.” Sam sits beside Alex and gives her a warm smile. 

 

“Hey.” 

 

“It’s not the weekend,” Sam remarks. “Don’t tell me you came all the way over here just for me.” 

 

“I wanted to give you something.” Alex slides the paper over to Sam. “It’s some info about hospice care and tips for hydration and food too.” Sam studies the list, Alex feels extremely self-conscious. Sam seems to be mulling something over, Alex is trying to figure out a way to leave. 

 

“Are you hungry?” Sam stands and pulls open her refrigerator door. 

 

“No, I’m fine. Really, I just wanted to show you this list.” Alex starts to stand, but Sam reaches across the counter and grabs Alex’s hand. 

 

“I’m a great cook. Really, you don’t have to be shy.” Alex tries to suppress it, but her cheeks warm anyway. Sam returns to the refrigerator. She grabs enough produce to feed an army. “Any food allergies? Preferences?”

 

“No, I’ll eat anything.” 

 

“My mom might not have taught me much, but she did teach me to love the kitchen. Food and faith, that was her motto.” Sam has moved onto grabbing a cutting board and various knives. Alex can barely keep up with how fast her hands are moving. She looks like a pro, completely in her element, and totally not weirded out by Alex’s presence. Alex tries to look away, tries to find something to do with her hands, something to force herself not to think about the fact that Sam has seen her at her most vulnerable. “My mom asked about you.” Sam looks like she’s trying not to think too much, all focus and precision. Something on her face changes though, Alex can tell. 

 

“Did she?” 

 

“She likes you.” Sam looks over her shoulder at Alex. “Do you ever think it’s funny? That you can make such a strong impression on someone so fast. You’re the kind of daughter she wants.” Alex can feel the self-deprecation seeping from Sam’s words. “Are you religious? My mom would just love that.” Sam tosses some garlic and onions into an oiled pan. “Shit, that’s not the kind of thing you’re supposed to ask people.” 

 

“No, it’s okay. I’m not. Well, I’m not exactly sure.” Alex didn’t know when she became unsure about religion, but it must’ve been around the time she went overseas. Things were so chaotic and violent and overwhelming...she had to find something to believe in. “That’s not really an answer I guess.” 

 

“That’s alright, I shouldn’t have asked,” Alex notes the energy that seems to follow Sam throughout the kitchen. She looks like she’s finally able to breathe, so Alex does her best not to be seen. Like always, Alex is afraid that her presence is overwhelming. That somehow people will notice all the trouble that comes with her, but Sam, somehow, seems immune. “I think I lose my filter at night. Something about being around corporate douchebags all day.” 

 

“No, I feel the same way. My job isn’t very corporate, but it’s all about being tough and focused, so at night...I think…” Alex finds that it’s happening again. Like she’s shedding her skin right in front of Sam and she can’t stop it. “Usually, I’m alone though. Not like yesterday.” 

 

“Well on the weekends, you don’t have to be.” Sam has moved onto cooking broccoli and some pasta on the stovetop. Alex is trying her best not to appear modest and unaffected. It’s not working. “I understand what you’re feeling.” 

 

“Hm?”

 

“About wishing that I hadn’t seen you yesterday.” Sam sets the food to a simmer and turns to face Alex. She leans against the counter, thoughtful, but still very tired. “I don’t like people seeing me vulnerable. Ever. I saw the way you ran out of here.”

 

“It’s...complicated.” 

 

“PTSD-.”

 

“No,” Alex snaps. Her voice sounds like it’s coming from somewhere else, from someone else. She stands so fast that she feels like she’s experiencing vertigo. “It’s not that.” 

 

“Okay, I’m sorry.” 

 

“I didn’t mean to snap.” _This is where this tentative friendship goes to shit_ , Alex thinks. Because Sam has a daughter and Alex knows how she looks. Crazed. Angry. Unstable. She isn’t someone Sam will want around, not ever. “I had a stressful day at work. I’m not really used to…” 

 

“I’m a mom, I tend to pay attention to a lot of things. I don’t mean to pressure you.” Sam grabs two plates from the cupboard and begins filling them with delicious stir fry. Alex is thankful that their attention can be on food and not her.

 

“This is amazing.” 

 

“Oh, you’re cute. It’s not my best.” 

 

“No, really. I never cook for myself, this is making me regret that.” Alex thinks about how much food means to people. Kara loves cooking and it makes people happy. It was part of her healing process, Alex assumes, it just never worked for Alex. Alex did fit into the army culture in that way. Food on the run, beers for dinner, passing out on the couch. It was always about making it to the next moment, not really about planning. But the way Sam thoughtfully approached the kitchen, flowing through it in such a lovely way, it made Alex wonder. How could Sam share her mother’s love of cooking, but not be close? 

 

“You okay?” 

 

“Yeah. Sorry, zoned out.” 

 

“Looked more like you were thinking about something.” Sam lets it go and that makes Alex thankful that she doesn’t have the kind of persistent curiosity that Kara seems to have. “You kind of wear all your emotions on your face. In your eyes at least.” 

 

“Is that bad?” 

 

“Not for me, for you and all your  _ playing it cool _ -ness, that might be a problem.” Sam smiles and Alex hates how much she enjoys Sam’s attention however fleeting. “I have a confession.” 

 

“Ominous.” Alex sets her fork down and gives Sam her full attention. 

 

“I know, but…” Sam taps the piece of paper that Alex brought over. “It has to do with this, actually.” 

 

“Yeah, sorry, I overstepped-.”

 

“You didn’t. I just wanted to let you know that Ruby doesn’t know.” Sam looks, frankly, frightened by her own words. It’s a stark contrast, and Alex isn’t sure that she’s supposed to see her like this. 

 

“She doesn’t know…? Sorry, what doesn’t she know?” 

 

“About my mom. Okay, this is fucked up, I know. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Ruby doesn’t even know she has a grandmother, let alone one who is dying a few floors down.” Sam toys with her hands, waiting for Alex to respond. Alex has no clue what to say. “I was going to tell her. We don’t keep things from each other, that’s the rule, but...fuck. You saw my mom. Ruby’s just a kid, how can I bring them together, when my mom is so close to…” Sam can’t seem to finish her sentence, Alex decides that she has to say something, or risk Sam folding in on herself. 

 

“I get it. You want to protect her.” 

 

“Exactly.” 

 

“Then I probably shouldn’t be hanging around here.” Alex doesn’t know how to find a balance here, so she needs to take a step back. This wasn’t her family and these weren’t her problems, she certainly has enough to deal with at the DEO. But as much as Alex hates to be reminded of it, she’s lost a lot of people in her life. Good people. And Sam was clearly so out of her element that she needed a tether, someone to remind her that she was doing her best. “I...uh...I’ll swing by twice a week, just to make sure your mom is getting enough fluids and to check in on how she’s feeling. It’s gonna get harder, Sam.”

 

“Thank you.” 

 

“No problem, I should probably-.” Alex swallows her words when she hears the front door open. Ruby rushes into the room, ready to pounce on Sam, but she stops in her tracks when she sees Alex. Lena Luthor walks in behind her carrying a shopping bag from a place Alex is pretty sure sells t-shirts for $300. Alex is just as shocked to see her as she’d been the first time, but she tries her best to cover it. Ruby, thankfully, has the good sense to bypass Sam and is instead standing in front of Alex looking like she might burst. 

 

“She wants to give you a hug,” Lena says as she sets the shopping bag down. Out of the corner of her eye, Alex can see Lena give Sam a pointed look. 

 

“Or I can shake your hand.” Ruby holds out her hand, waiting patiently for Alex to respond. 

 

“I’m teaching her about consent,” Sam informs Alex. Lena has moved onto eyeballing Alex’s empty plate. Sam busies herself with hiding Alex’s note. Alex, feeling very much like her life is bordering on madness, leans down and gives Ruby a hug. It’s almost harrowing how much Alex can see herself in Ruby. It’s a situational thing. Eventually, Ruby will know the truth. She’ll have to learn about the hard things. Alex does wish that she had this kind of support around her back when she needed it, but if Alex can offer something small - a hug even - then she’s willing to do so. 

 

“How cute,” Lena says as Alex pulls back. “Hi, Alex.” 

 

“Hi,” Alex doesn’t know where to look, so she looks to Sam, hoping that she’ll offer Alex a way out. 

 

“Let me walk you down,” Sam offers. “Ruby, go get cleaned up.” Alex allows herself to be lead out of the apartment where she can finally breathe. She feels different somehow. Like everything that had just occurred was all a dream. She’d forgotten to apologize to Ruby for abandoning her the day before. She’d barely said a word to Lena Luthor, who is probably the coolest person in the world. She’d teetered back and forth between wanting to hold Sam and wanting to throw her. It wasn’t just Alex this time, it was that place. 

 

The land of perpetual darkness. 

 

Alex was fucked. She’d chosen the one job in history that was bound to magnify her fears. She’d already exposed her fear to Ruby and Sam, it was only a matter of time before she was opening up and talking about...that night. “ You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” 

 

“What? Oh. Sorry, I just…” 

 

“I have that effect on people,” Sam starts. “Making them speechless and all.” Alex smiles, Sam laughs at herself. “Well, that, and making them run far far away.” 

 

“Don’t worry, I’m not running.” 

 

“You aren’t? That seems like something you’ll regret later.” They exit the elevator and though Alex should be on her bike by now, she finds herself stalling in the lobby. 

 

“I’ll add it to my list of regrets.” Alex looks at Sam and then the empty lobby. “Look, I...I want you to know that I’m not judging you. Sudden grief is different than knowing that something terrible is going to happen and not being able to stop it. So, I’m sorry if I seem...lost or upset. It’s not you. It’s the world.” 

 

“Well, the world can go fuck itself.” Sam sighs. “Go home, get some rest, seriously. And if you really want to come to check in on my mom, then I’ll make you dinner. Hell, I’ll pack you lunch too.” 

 

“You really don’t have to do that.” 

 

“I want to. So let me.” Sam hugs her. It feels unfamiliar. Like she’s breaching something that she can’t quite touch. Kara hugs her all the time, Lucy too, but this is different. Sam, for starters, is taller than Alex. She smells like lavender and onions and Alex realizes that she’s never once paid attention to how someone smells before. She’d spent the last ten years of her life just breezing through it all. Details be damned. But Sam is full of details. New and unique, and Alex can feel herself latching on. When Lucy and Kara hug Alex it’s in those moments when she needs it. Right now, she isn’t sure that she needs anything, but being close to Sam is starting to make her feel soft, so she quickly pulls back. 

 

“Have a good night.” Alex runs off before Sam can respond. Whatever walls Alex had put up around herself, she can feel them crumbling. 

 

* * *

 

 

On Tuesday, Hank announces that the training schedule will be changing. Instead of their usual ten hour days Monday through Friday, they’ll actually have Friday’s off. This is partially to give them an extra day of rest before they start focusing on their specialized fields - tech, extraction, leadership - but it’s also because the DEO is expanding a wing and they need to do a lot of repairs before that starts. Everyone is ecstatic. Vasquez tells all the trainees that she’ll be at Barney’s on Friday to by the first round of drinks, and Alex even promises to show, if only for a few hours. 

 

Alex is thankful for the extra time off. She’s missed Kara and Winn, and a day off means she can hang out at the cafe without feeling like she’s in a rush. So after a long week, including two quick visits with Patricia, Alex finds herself sitting near the counter at the cafe, marveling at how busy the place is. Kara is floating around calmly, while Winn does his best to make coffee and flirt with literally everyone who comes in. Alex glances down at the two tip jars, which have “Buffy” and “Xena” written on them and just about everyone tosses a few coins in their favorite heroes jar. 

 

The best thing about days like this is that no matter how busy it gets, Kara always has time to chat with Alex. The customers don’t get upset, but instead join in on the banter. “I’m not going to call or text him!” Winn tells Kara, Alex, and Siobhan - one of the regulars that Alex actually knows. “We just went out yesterday, you have to wait at least a day.” 

 

“Why?” Siobhan questions. 

 

“Yeah, seriously, there shouldn’t be all these stupid rules about not being ‘too desperate.’” Kara takes another order and plates a pastry with a smile. 

 

“There shouldn’t be a lot of things in the world, Kara. Like poverty, but guess what? That’s just the way that it is.” Alex rolls her eyes at Winn’s words. 

 

“So, what happens if both of you are following these ‘rules’? Then do you just never speak again?” Alex questions. Siobhan takes a seat next to Alex. Usually, Siobhan is rushing off to get to work, but she must have a late start today. 

 

“No...we just wait for one of us to drunk-text, and then we’ll hook up. Rinse and repeat.” Winn wiggles his eyebrows. Kara throws a towel at him, ruining his latte art. 

 

“That sounds miserable,” Alex tells him. 

 

“Awww, Alex, you’re a romantic?” Siobhan asks. Alex ignores her and focuses on the newspaper that she’s been vaguely reading all morning. Siobhan flicks Alex’s ear and Alex starts to wonder how exactly she’d spent enough time here to start to bond with the regulars. Kara looks between Siobhan and Alex for a brief moment, so brief that only Alex’s sister senses can pick up on it, and suddenly Alex is scooting her chair away and trying to bury herself in something other than the quick feeling of touch and warmth that has been sparked by Siobhan’s presence. Alex vaguely remembers this feeling. Getting attention wasn’t something Alex was used to, but after struggling to find her place in college, the military offered a lot more when it came to Alex’s understanding of her sexuality. The few other women in her unit were attractive, tough, and they all stood together for the sake of pushing eager men away. Alex, apparently, had a few women who were attracted to her back then, and they acted just like Siobhan does. 

 

“It must be a family trait,” Kara jokes. 

 

“Oh, here we fucking go again.” Alex sets down her paper. “Kara, you seriously need to just ask this woman out, whoever it is. I’m tired of all your wailing.” 

 

“Wailing? Fuck off.” If Kara had another towel, she’d probably throw it at Alex. Instead of dwelling, Kara takes to cleaning the counter. Winn struggles to make an even flower latte design and it’s driving Alex crazy. 

 

“Need help?” Alex asks. 

 

“Don’t tell me you’re some kind of latte expert.” 

 

“I am, actually. Worked at a cafe all through college,” Alex explains. She takes off her jacket and walks around to the other side of the counter. Alex is so focused on showing Winn the craft that she doesn’t notice the door open and Kara’s look of shock before a mug crashes to the floor. Winn and Alex turn to see Lena Luthor walking through the door. Kara frantically sweeps up the shattered pieces of the mug, while Winn steps in to take Lena’s order. 

 

But Lena’s eyes are on Alex and everyone, including Kara, notices. “Alex? You work here?” Kara stomps on Alex’s foot like she’s trying to get her attention, but that also clues Alex in that Lena is the person that Kara’s all up in arms over. That...somehow makes sense. Because Kara would be obsessed with someone who essentially runs the city. 

 

“Uh...no. My sister owns it.” Alex nods over at Kara. “I was just messing around back here.” Lena looks just as sharp as ever. In the three times that Alex has seen her, she’s been dressed to impress, not a hair out of place. 

 

“You and Kara are related?” Kara’s eyes go wide. She looks like she’s about to explode. 

 

“You know who I am?” Kara is...such a dork. Alex would hit her if she could reach.

 

“Well, I do come here at least once a week,” Lena beams. “And you are wearing a nametag.” Kara looks down at her shirt like she’s just making sure. “People tend to think I’m a total ass but I actually try to pay attention to those things.” 

 

“No, I don’t think that!” Kara interjects. She starts making a drink, presumably Lena’s typical order, Alex gets out of the way before she has to physically stop Kara from overcompensating. “We’ve got chocolate croissants in the back if you’re interested. They’ll be a few minutes.” 

 

“Sure, I’ll wait.” Lena leans against the counter beside Alex’s seat, looking around at the bustling cafe. Her gaze finally falls on Alex, again. “So you seem to be all that Sam wants to talk about lately.” 

 

“I’m helping with Patricia.” Alex can see that Winn, Kara, and Siobhan are trying to listen in, but she tries to play it cool. “I’d expect to be talked about.” 

 

“Right.” Lena looks like she wants to say something more but Kara swoops in with a croissant, distracting her. “Thank you.” 

 

“I can’t believe you and Alex know each other. It seems so weird that my own flesh and blood wouldn’t tell me that she knew someone as influential as you.” Kara’s voice is seeping with sarcasm, Alex enjoys the drama. 

 

“Kara, you’re adopted, we’re not technically flesh and blood,” Alex reminds her. Lena perks up, a thoughtful expression crossing her face. 

 

“You’re adopted? Me too!” Solidarity is everything, and Lena looks like she’s found a fast friend in Kara. “You know, my marketing team is all over this entrepreneurship brunch we’re having next week. It would be great if you were there. I’d love to hear more about your perspective.” 

 

“Yeah, totally.” Kara’s smile could not be any brighter. Lena takes her latte and croissant and lingers for a moment. She looks like she’s going to say something to Alex, but then she thinks better of it. 

 

“I’ll see you around.” The millisecond that Lena exits the cafe, mayhem erupts. Kara practically dives over the counter, grabbing hold of Alex’s arm and refusing to let go. 

 

“You know Lena Luthor?! And you never thought to tell me?!” 

 

“I didn’t know she was the person you had a crush on. And  _ know _ is an overstatement. I’ve barely said more than a few words to her,” Alex assures Kara. “You got an invite to that brunch thingy, that seems pretty major.” 

 

“I can’t go to that!” Kara exclaims. 

 

“Why not?” Winn takes over the register, while Kara releases Alex but continues pacing. 

 

“She’s a millionaire and I’m a...I don’t know. A small business owner.” Alex hates how hard Kara can be on herself. Sometimes it was difficult for her to reach for the big things. Alex could tell that Kara wasn’t exactly where she wanted to be. Not yet. Kara was a dreamer, so she probably wanted to disrupt the cafe market in National City and then move on to opening a restaurant or a bar or a homeless shelter. The sky was the limit for Kara, Alex had to think more realistically. The DEO was pretty much her only option. It provided her with the same type of rigorous training as the army but with highly specialized leadership roles. Alex wasn’t sure that she’d ever go back to the army and she knows that she can’t be a civilian, so the DEO is a perfect balance. 

 

“Can I just say that she looks hotter in person.” Siobhan laughs at Kara’s beet red face. “What? All I’m saying is that if any of you know or meet any hot people, then you should go ahead and just tell us. I’m looking for a reason to delete my Tinder profile, trust me.” Alex has been looking for a reason to get out of this conversation since it started. The last thing she wants is to talk about dating or to even think about it. That was Siobhan, Kara, and Winn’s specialty, not hers. 

 

“Also...who’s Sam?” Kara looks excited, much more excited than she should be. 

 

“No one,” Alex lies. 

 

“New boo alert!” Winn yells. “Sam is such a sexy name. I dated a Samuel once and he was great in bed.”  _ He _ ? Right. Alex almost forgets that she wasn’t out to her friends, so of course, they would think she was dating a man. 

 

“Okay, Winn, shut up.” Kara tries her best to play things cool, but she wants to know what’s going on in Alex’s life, that part is obvious. “You don’t have to say anything.” 

 

“I know.” Alex folds her newspaper, she’s about ready to go home to sleep or maybe just to water her new plant, but Kara grabs her arm. “What?” But there’s another wave of customers that Kara needs to attend to. The cafe is never the best place for deep conversations and it hurts Alex to see that desperate glint in Kara’s eye. Kara thinks that Alex is hiding something from her - which she is - but it’s the same push and pull that has defined their relationship for so long. Alex doesn’t know if she wants to change it now. 

 

So Alex goes. 

 

And when it’s time to join her DEO friends for a few drinks, Alex goes there too. Because life, as it turns out, is much easier to contend with when Alex is forced to interact with other people, rather than wallowing away alone. Alex does get tipsy and she does get flustered when an attractive woman buys her a drink, but nothing seems to faze Alex until she finds herself sitting on the roof again. 

 

Alex doesn’t know it right away but she is waiting for Sam. It’s something about it being the start of the weekend, something about Kara finally taking one step closer to Lena, something about Alex being just a little bit tipsy. Alex wants to see Sam, just to be reminded that there’s someone else in her life. Someone who she gets to discover all on her own. 

 

The thing about this apartment building is that it never feels mundane. The cafe often turns into this back and forth that Alex never quite feels like she’s a part of. Hanging out with work friends seems to be more about getting wasted or making fun of the blunder of the week. With Sam, Alex always seems to find something real. Something that makes her think or worry. A thread that can be picked up or discarded when they see each other again. 

 

When the roof door opens, Alex knows it’s Sam. And it is, of course. Her hair is tied up into a loose bun, she’s wearing a sweater that’s so big that the collar dips low around her shoulders, and so much skin is exposed that Alex thinks that maybe she should find a way to touch her. Sam's smile reaches her eyes today, that’s a good sign. She’s also carrying a giant  _ Costco _ sized bag of those crispy M&Ms and she doesn’t hesitate to plop down in the dingy chair next to Alex, rip the bag open, and grab a handful. “God, I am so glad to see you.” The thing that Alex is just now realizing is that they never plan to see each other. Even when Alex has visited Patricia, Sam is never usually there to meet her, she just happens to show up later. Even now, on the roof, Alex could’ve been anywhere in the building, but Sam has found her up here. 

 

“Rough night?”

 

“Actually, it’s been nice.” Sam tosses a few candies in her mouth before setting the bag on Alex’s lap. “My mom was actually kind of...nice. I mean it was 90 percent the morphine talking, but she asked me how my day was, so that’s progress.” 

 

“Need me to check on her?” 

 

“No, she’s sleeping. So is Ruby.” Sam glances over at Alex, it’s a look that makes Alex blush like some kind of teen getting attention for the first time in her life. “Come here.”

 

“What?”

 

“Come here.” Sam grabs the front of Alex’s shirt and pulls her closer. And closer. So close that Alex actually believes that she’s going to be kissed. Instead, Sam sniffs the air and releases Alex. “You’re drunk.”

 

“I’m not!” Alex realizes immediately that she doesn’t sound convincing at all. But, thankfully, Sam just looks amused not judgemental. “I went out with a few friends. I might have overdone it. A little.”

 

“A lot. You don’t usually share any information about your personal life.” Sam looks elated. “Like the fact that...your sister owns my favorite cafe in the city?” 

 

“So, you’ve talked to Lena?”

 

“I talk to my best friend every day.” 

 

“I’ve never seen you there.” And Alex would remember. Sam has one of those unforgettable faces. 

 

“I never see you either. We should fix that.” It isn’t a question or something that Alex knows how to respond to. But the implications are certainly clear. “What’s your drink of choice? Caffeine-wise or liquor-wise.”

 

“I take my coffee black. I take my whiskey or bourbon straight.” Alex knows it’s boring, but she’s not used to any sort of flair when it comes to her two necessities in life. Sam laughs a full and hearty laugh. Alex nudges her, but she doesn’t mind being made fun of, especially if it causes Sam to laugh. “Fuck off. What about you? Let me guess. Latte and margaritas?”

 

“Yes, actually.” Sam arches a brow. “You’re good.”

 

“I try.” 

 

“Did the army teach you to be straight-laced when it came to the things you wanted?”

 

“Half the army, half my family.” It’s an answer so honest that Alex determines that it isn’t just the alcohol that’s making her open up, it’s Sam. And it isn’t the worst feeling. “And I’m not straight-laced about everything.”

 

“Well, clearly, you did come to work drunk.”

 

“Tipsy. And it doesn’t feel like work when I’m up here with you.” Alex grabs a handful of M&Ms and stuffs them in her mouth before she says anything else. But Sam is already blushing and Alex doesn’t know how to take the words back. 

 

“Wow. That was unexpected.” 

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Don’t be.” Alex eats more M&Ms, Sam seems preoccupied with trying to think about anything except Alex’s words. They sit there in silence for awhile. It isn’t particularly comfortable, Alex feels like she should apologize again, but she just waits. “My father was in the military too. I was too young to really understand what any of that meant. But I do remember that he would always swim around in the pool in the backyard. Day, night, it seemed like he was always in there. I did ask him why he never wanted to leave the pool. And he said 'the world feels different in here.'” Sam looks up at the night sky and then to Alex. “He saw unspeakable things. I think he was trying to drown them out, leave them in the water so he could be there for me.”

 

“But he couldn’t, could he?”

 

“No.”

 

“Yeah...you never can.” This time, when Alex wants to leave, she decides it's much better to stay. Sam isn’t like Kara. She doesn’t seem like she’s pushing Alex to do anything. She’s just here like Alex is just here, and up here nothing feels heavy. “I’m sorry about your father. I’m not him by the way.”

 

“Oh, I didn’t mean to suggest…” Sam's eyes water, she ducks her head. “Fuck.”

 

“It’s alright.”

 

“Really? It’s okay with you that I’ve somehow subconsciously projected my dead father onto you?” That’s the bitter taste of grief that Sam is biting back. Alex can sense grief from a mile away. “How fucked up is that? You’re your own person, you don’t deserve that.”

 

“I don’t have a pool, but I have this roof and my apartment and I’m usually very good at keeping people away from these kinds of places. But you showed up, locked us up here last weekend, and that seems to be a sign that there’s no point in running away.” Alex hates the way her words tangle in her mind, but always seem to come out clear when Sam is here.

 

“I’m sorry to lay this on you. Any of it is usually enough to push people away.”

 

“But I’m still here, aren’t I?”

 

“You are.”

 

“So let’s keep talking about all the shit that keeps us up at night. And let’s eat these M&Ms.” Alex grabs another handful, Sam does the same. “These are amazing.”

 

“They’re Ruby’s. She won them for getting perfect scores on all of her spelling tests.” Sam sighs. “It’s exhausting having a child that can spell necessary and vacuum.” 

 

“She seems like a great kid. I was way more apprehensive about strangers when I was that young,” Alex reflects.

 

“You’re shy now too.” Sam pokes Alex’s shoulder with her finger. “Don’t worry, it’s one of your many endearing traits. At work, I’m not allowed to be shy, and Ruby is so adventurous that I’ve got to be as outgoing as her or she’ll just leave me behind.” Sam toys with her thumbs for a moment. “I always thought I would make for a shitty parent.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Well, I thought about an abortion, which obviously sounds terrible now, but really that was a good option back then. Catholic guilt plagued me for a while and then my mother’s insistence that I was worthless made me want to prove her wrong.” Sam closes her eyes for a moment, Alex doesn’t dare say anything to interrupt her. “That’s a terrible way to go into parenthood. But I did it. I somehow managed to be the mother of the best kid in the world and now I get to feel terrible about that, every time I see my mother.” 

 

“You’re a good person, Sam. parenthood is just a combination of luck, mistakes, and hugs.” And it’s true. That’s what her parents believed and it did work until it didn’t. “My friend got me a plant. Figuring out how much to water it is one thing, but then there’s the sunlight factor too and sometimes it feels like I’m gonna kill it.”

 

“You’re comparing a plant to a kid?”

 

“Kinda? I guess. It’s the closest I’ll ever get to having a kid, so yeah. I am.” Alex is about to go for another handful of candy when Sam starts reaching into Alex's jacket pockets. “What’s happening?”

 

“I’m looking for your cigarettes,” She says as if they are people who go digging around in each other’s pockets all the time. 

 

“Seriously? One vice at a time.”

 

“Oh, if you want reckless I can think of a much more exciting thing to be doing with you than smoking.” Alex doesn’t ask Sam what she means, she just reaches into her pants pocket and hands over the cigarettes and her lighter. “So, go on, tell me about your friend. The plant one.” 

 

“Lucy? She works for the government, like me.”

 

“Yeah, but what else?”

 

“There’s nothing else. She and I work well together. She’s my friend.” But there’s more to it, of course. Because Kara was all about making new friends and usually Alex just tagged along with whoever was there. Lucy was the first person Alex had really allowed herself to get close to, despite how dangerous it was. Kara, who was a terrible liar, needed to lie to Lucy. No one at the DEO could know about Alex’s  _ episodes _ and sooner or later everything was going to go to shit and Alex had no idea how she could push Lucy away again. She doesn’t even want to. 

 

“Okay, whatever you say. But you are starting to lose some of that filter around me and I’ll find out what’s really going on soon.” Alex takes a cigarette out of her pack and joins Sam. “Let’s play a game.” 

 

“Sounds dangerous.”

 

“It’s not, trust me.” Sam pulls out her phone and opens her Instagram. “This game is called, ‘show me all the people in your life, so when you namedrop them I can have a visual.’”

 

“That’s a really long title.”

 

“I’ll work on an acronym.” Sam goes to the search bar and starts typing  _ Alex… _

 

“Whoa, what are you doing?” 

 

“I’m gonna follow you. This way when I’m scrolling through all of your pictures and I accidentally like one of them, it’ll be less creepy because I just gave you a warning.” Sam playfully winks at Alex. “Is it creepy that I know your last name?”

 

“Yes! Why do you know that?”

 

“Cause I’m creepy.” Sam types ‘Danvers’ into the search bar. “And because your sister wears a name tag with her full name.” Sam clicks the “Follow” button and immediately starts scrolling through the photos. “Oh...here we go.” Alex has to lean over just to see what photos Sam is looking at. It’s a picture of Lucy and Alex at Lowe’s. It’s a selfie, one Alex did not consent to, but Lucy had stolen her phone and taken it anyway. 

 

In the picture, Alex is pushing the cart that’s holding far too many plants. Lucy is grinning like she always is. The caption reads:  Lucy is the perfect ray of sunshine that always brightens my day.  Alex, obviously, didn’t write the caption, but she also didn’t delete it. “This is Lucy? See, this is why I need visuals. Your friend is hot. You conveniently left that part out.” 

 

“You’re ridiculous.” Sam scrolls some more, Alex wants to delete her entire Instagram. Sam shows Alex the picture she’s looking at now. It’s a picture of Alex and Kara. They’re both smiling and standing behind the counter at the cafe. “Having fun?” 

 

“Yep.”

 

“Find anything embarrassing?”

 

“All of it,” Sam jokes. “Why are you so photogenic?”

 

“I am?”

 

“Yes! It’s absurd.” Sam opens up her camera app and aims the phone in Alex’s direction. “Make a funny face.”

 

“I don’t do funny faces.”

 

“For me?” Alex sticks out her tongue and Sam snaps a picture. “What the hell? You still look amazing. Can I post it?” 

 

Kara, Lucy, and Winn are definitely going to ask who took this picture. They’re going to speculate until Alex can’t handle it anymore. But right now, Sam is so happy that she gets to be a part of Alex’s Instagram renaissance. Sam is explaining the intricacies of emoji usage and warning Alex not to get power hungry just because she’s “really cute”, and now all Alex wants to do is kiss her. But she doesn’t. Alex remains calm, she forces those feelings down like she always does. “I should probably do a walk through.” 

 

“Oh, right. I keep forgetting that your job isn’t just to sit here and listen to me complain about my life.”

 

“I like listening to you.” Alex snubs out her cigarette, Sam does the same. They stand and Alex realizes just how close they are. She should just go for it. The roof feels like a liminal space and frankly, Sam has been calling her attractive all night. But she doesn’t kiss her, just like she doesn’t follow up about that coffee that they should be having soon. Instead, they trek their way into the elevator and down to Sam’s apartment, where Sam waits at the door. “What is it?”

 

“I didn’t know how stupid I looked wearing this.” She pulls at her sweater. “Up there, it’s like an alternate reality. I don’t notice anything until I come into the light.” 

 

“You don’t look stupid. You look beautiful.” Sam’s eyes dart to Alex. Alex could bite off her tongue. “Sorry, it’s just…”

 

“Are you flirting with me?” 

 

“Uh...I don’t know,” Alex admits. 

 

“Well, I don’t mind.” Sam rests her hand on Alex’s hip like she’s toying with the idea of pulling her closer. “And we should do this again.” Sam kisses her on the cheek and it’s like Alex’s entire world stops. “You, me, vague sexual tension.” Alex is speechless, Sam doesn’t seem detoured. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

 

“Right. Yes. Tomorrow.” 

 

* * *

 

No one seems to notice that Alex is losing her actual shit until Lucy shows up for brunch at Alex’s apartment. Usually, this would be the kind of event that would take place at the cafe, but a pipe burst in the kitchen and Kara is certain that they’ll be closed for a few days. So everyone gathered food and booze and were suddenly hanging around in Alex’s living room. Lucy is wearing big bulky sunglasses when she arrives and Alex senses the hangover right away. “Things got crazy after you left.” 

 

“I’ll bet.” 

 

“Please give me food.” Alex welcomes Lucy into her apartment and points to the massive spread of food that Kara, Winn, and James brought over. As soon as Lucy has stuffed a piece of french toast into her mouth, she returns to her normal self, which - unfortunately - means she’s suddenly very curious about how Alex spent her night. “So...what was with that Instagram post?” 

 

Everyone turns to them, abandoning their conversation in favor of meddling into Alex’s business. “Yeah, I saw that too!” Alex wants to tell James to shut up, but he looks so curious that she doesn’t have the heart to go through with it. Winn and Kara, on the other hand, are easy targets for Alex’s annoyance. 

 

“It’s just a picture,” Alex assures them. 

 

“Taken at like two in the morning on a roof at your new job. Which means you were up there with someone else.” Kara looks way too happy with herself, it makes Alex want to hurl. The more questions they ask, the more they will uncover about Alex. She wasn’t usually this stupid when it came to her own life. But something about Sam made emotional chaos feel like the norm. 

 

Sam either really liked toying with people or there was actually something there. Alex wasn’t sure.

 

“Was it Sam?” Winn asks, all giddy and bright. Lucy’s eyes widen.

 

“Sam? Who’s that?” Lucy wraps her arms around Alex’s shoulders and literally hops onto her back. “If you’re holding out on me, I’ll kick your ass.” Kara pulls Lucy off Alex’s back with one arm, and just as Alex is about to finally sit down on the couch, Lucy tugs at her shirt. “I forgot something in the car. Help me get it?” It’s a bullshit excuse to pull Alex away and talk in private, but Alex doesn’t want to go head to head with Lucy. Especially today. 

 

Alex and Lucy head back down to the parking lot where Lucy informs her, “I took a Lyft, I just wanted to talk to you.” 

 

“You could’ve said that.” Alex shakes her head, “What is it?”

 

“Hank.” Lucy looks worried. She isn’t usually this timid and it’s making Alex’s skin itch. Lucy bites her lip. “I saw him pull you aside last week.” 

 

“It was a routine thing. You don’t have to worry.” 

 

“I’m not worried. He pulled me aside too. Drug test, supposedly random.” Lucy sighs. “I think they’re weeding people out. Trying to figure out who can play captain.” Alex’s mouth hangs open, Lucy nudges her shoulder. “What? You’re surprised?”

 

“Well, yeah. It seems kinda early.” 

 

“They’re high on you, Danvers. You’re the whole package.” Alex cringes. 

 

“You are too, obviously.” Lucy shifts her weight. Leg to leg in a few long moments of unbearable silence. 

 

“They’re gonna look at us closely. Background, contacts, all that shit. And I think they might wonder about why you chose the apartment security job.” Lucy doesn’t sound like she’s accusing Alex of anything, but Alex still tenses. “I don’t want this to become a thing between us. And I’m not calling you out or anything. I just want you to know that I have your back.” 

 

“I have your back too, you know that.” 

 

“Of course.” Alex knows that Lucy deserves to be captain more than she does. Lucy is stable, for one, but Lucy has also worked her ass off to prove that she’s good enough. If the job is offered to Alex, she won’t take it. And right now would be the right time to tell Lucy the truth about everything. But honesty will snowball into an avalanche and Alex isn’t ready to brave the cold. “Sorry, I pulled you down here.” 

 

“It’s okay, I needed a break.” Alex’s phone dings and she checks her texts, fully expecting it to be from Kara. It’s not. It’s a private message on her Instagram. 

 

**[sam_arias]:** sliding into your DMs, how totally normal

 

**[sam_arias]** : anywayyyy, I have a surprise for you, but I can’t give it to you until you teach me more about morphine

 

**[sam_arias]** : is that blackmail? I’m not trying to blackmail you.

 

Alex laughs, Lucy tries to look at Alex’s phone. But Alex has had years of experiences with Kara, so she knows how to hide her screen. 

 

**[grumpy_danvers]:** you’re not, I told you I don’t mind helping

 

**[sam_arias]:** good, I’ll make it worth your while. See you later!

 

Alex’s blush could not be any more obvious and with Lucy there watching her like a hawk, there’s nowhere to hide. Luckily, Lucy seems to feel less inclined to barge in on Alex’s personal life, and instead, she sticks her hands into her pockets and pretends to find the parking lot ceiling compelling. “Can I say something?” Alex looks up from her phone. 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Whoever you’re texting...I think they might be good for you.” Lucy smiles. “Sorry, that’s all. I won’t pry anymore.” 

 

“No, it’s...thanks.” 

 

“Like I said, I have your back.” Alex doesn’t quite realize it now, but she’s counting on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, like...here's the thing. Alex and Sam have a lot to figure out, but somehow they can't help but keep finding each other. That's a running theme, hang onto that, because shit is gonna get real for them real fast. Up next: Alex plays doctor, an accidental date on purpose, and too much tension to handle. 
> 
> I have truly had a lot of work over the past few weeks, which is good, but exhausting. Please recommend the most obscure queer film or TV show, so I have something to watch in my downtime.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the thing...you all are amazing and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Tonight, Alex isn’t drunk. But the way Sam looks at her when she arrives makes Alex wish she’d taken a shot or two before she arrived. They meet in the lobby because Sam wants to brief her before they go upstairs and Alex doesn’t question why Sam looks so flustered today. All Alex knows is that she’s thankful that Sam is wearing a hoodie and sweatpants because Alex isn’t sure she’d be able to handle looking at Sam’s shoulders two nights in a row. Alex is in her usual garb - jeans and a t-shirt - but she is wearing the jean jacket that Kara says makes her look like an angsty 90s riot grrl, which Alex kind of was. “It’s been such a long night already. Thank god you’re here.”

 

“Is Patricia okay?”

 

“Just irritable. She’s concerned about her dosage and I was hoping you could talk to her,” Sam explains as they head to the elevator. When they get inside, Sam closes her eyes and leans back against the wall. “Fuck,” She sighs.

 

“You need to take a break.”

 

“I will. Just...not right now.” Alex is in no position to give anyone advice, so she lets it go. But when they get to Patricia’s apartment, Sam looks like a bundle of nerves. Alex tries not to focus on it too much, and instead goes into Patricia’s room, trying to be optimistic and warm. Patricia lights up when she sees Alex standing in the doorway. She puts a book down on her nightstand and when Alex walks closer, she notices that it’s the bible.

 

“Hi, Patricia, how are we tonight?”

 

“Did Sammy talk to you? It’s my medicine, I don’t think it’s working anymore.” Alex takes a seat beside Patricia’s bed. She takes a look at the IV bag and a morphine drip. Sam has gotten much better at setting things up.

 

“Did you talk to your doctor?” Patricia scoffs.

 

“My doctor? Oh, what does he know?” Patricia waves Alex off.

 

“Did anyone ever tell you that you’re stubborn?” Alex says with a laugh. Alex can see Sam trying not to smile as she stands in the corner of the room. “Looks like they’ve already upped your dosage. Have you been moving around throughout the day?”

 

“What’s the point?” Alex can hear Sam leave the room, but she does her best to remain consistent in her tone.

 

“The point is that everyone deserves to be comfortable. The point is the small things matter and you owe it to yourself to keep fighting.” It’s the kind of advice that she would tell herself when she was overseas. When everything started to be too much and she needed to find a reason to keep going. Maybe it was bullshit, maybe not, but Alex believed that life was worth living and she wanted Patricia to always remember that. Alex doesn’t rush through the next thirty minutes. She knows that Patricia needs someone there, so she stays.

 

“Are you from here?”

 

“National City? No, I was born in Midvale. Spent most of my life there actually.”

 

“I’ve heard that town is beautiful. Nice beaches? That’s what the travel magazines say.” Patricia looks at Alex thoughtfully. “Did something happen to you?”

 

“Hm? What do you mean?” Alex starts to wonder if Patricia can read her that easily. And if Patricia can, then what does Sam notice? Now Alex is curious about where Sam went and why. Patricia grabs her bible and hands it to Alex. “What’s this for?”

 

“If you need it.”

 

“Oh, sorry...I’m not...thank you.” Alex holds the bible until Patricia falls asleep. This is the worst time, Alex thinks, the space between waiting and death. Alex wishes that she could do more. To find a way to fix one thing in this situation. Alex isn’t sure that Sam will ever tell Ruby, but eventually Ruby will find out. It’ll be this thing that bubbles under the surface and slowly decays the love that Sam and Ruby share.

 

Alex sets the bible back down on the nightstand and heads into Patricia’s living room, where Sam is sitting on the couch crying. “Hey.” Sam tries to wipe her eyes quickly to avoid the questions, but Alex is sitting beside her with her arm over Sam’s shoulder in seconds. “Sorry, I...fuck, I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how to help her when she’s in pain.” Sam runs her fingers through her hair. “I don’t even know how to explain all this. She kicked me out. She ruined my life. Didn’t speak to me for years. And now I’m fucking crying over her.”

 

“She’s your mom. That doesn’t change.”

 

“Let’s lock up and go up on the roof,” Alex suggests. Sam smiles and wipes her eyes again. “Everything is better up there,” Alex tells her. And clearly, they both know she’s right because they’re quick to head up. And when they get there there’s a projector sitting on a tiny wooden table and two chairs sitting just a few feet from that. The projector flickers against the white brick wall that makes up the small room between the elevator and the door to the roof. “Oh...wow.”

 

“Sorry, is this stupid? I thought we could...I figured it’d be a nice way to relax after dealing with my mother. But since I was a crying mess two seconds ago…” Sam shakes her head and grabs hold of Alex’s arm like she’s ready to pull her back to the elevator.

 

“Are you kidding? This is great.” Alex continues forward. She plops down in one of the chairs with a laugh. “Where’d you get that thing?”

 

“Ruby and I used to use it a lot at our old house. Movie nights every Friday. The neighborhood kids would come around, it was fun.” Sam smiles at the memory. Alex watches her closely. “My birth mother died when I was one and my dad...he had a lot of problems and he just couldn’t...so I got put in foster care. That’s where I met Lena actually if you can believe it.” Sam presses a few buttons on the projector. “Lena and I would watch movies from the steps of the group home when all the older kids would sneak out of their rooms and turn on the TV. We were trouble, still are actually. But movies have always been...an easy escape.” At the rate their going, Alex wonders if she’ll ever be able to hide anything from Sam. She supposes it’s the roof or the quiet, but whatever it is, Alex can’t figure out if she’s afraid or not.

 

To be out here and up here without a care in the world.

 

“I didn’t know Patricia wasn’t your birth mother. Not that she’s any less of a mom...just...you never said.”

 

“Yeah. That almost makes her kicking me out worse. She chooses me and then when she noticed that I wasn’t ‘normal’, she decided she didn’t want me anymore.” Sam sits down in the chair beside Alex. “Shit, I keep doing that.”

 

“What?”

 

“Making things dark. Depressing. I don’t want to think about all that. I just want to have fun with you.” Sam reaches into a small cooler that’s sitting between their chairs. She pulls out a can for herself and hands Alex a water bottle.

 

“What’s this?” Alex asks.

 

“Water, for you, a...margarita in a can for me.” Sam laughs as she opens the can. “Look how fucking ridiculous this is.” Sam takes a drink. “Too bad you’re working and you have to be completely sober. It’s gonna make watching this movie much less exciting.” On cue, the opening credits for The Faculty show up and Sam takes another drink. “P.s. I’m a lightweight.”

 

“It’s super smart of you to go drinking on a roof.” Alex opens her water, takes a drink, and finds it much less satisfying than she’d hoped.

 

“I’m not worried. I’ve got a trained nurse at my side-.”

 

“Medic,” Alex corrects but she isn’t offended. “Okay, lightweight. Go easy on the cans.” Alex knows there’s no controlling Sam. She has a reckless streak about her, Alex can tell, but something about being up here watching this campy movie makes Alex feel like a kid again. At one point Sam is throwing popcorn at the “screen” and yelling because Clea Duvall’s character is obviously a “big homo” and Sam wants to write a strongly worded letter to someone soon.

 

Alex has never been delighted by someone but Sam is this beautiful ray of light that peaks through her life. The DEO seems like a distant memory when she’s up here. The idea of getting fired or ridiculed doesn’t even seem that bad. Maybe Alex could work with Kara or work in a nursing home. It’s wishful thinking but none of it seems terrible. Alex tries to play it cool but by the time Sam has finished her third margarita in a can, she completely loses her filter. “Does the army do weird experiments on people?”

 

“What? No!”

 

“Area-52...the moon landing…”

 

“The moon landing? What the fuck are you even talking about?” Alex takes Sam’s can out of her hand before she can go overboard.

 

“I’m a conspiracy theorist. Did I not tell you that?” Sam props her feet up on the cooler.

 

“No, you didn’t,” Alex tells her. “If there are experiments being done by the government, then I don’t know anything about it.”

 

“You could be some kind of super spy. A sleeper agent.” Sam squints her eyes and stares at Alex for a long moment. “I’ve decided to trust you.”

 

“Really? How did I get so lucky?” Alex jokes and takes a sip of Sam’s margarita, and it’s not terrible. “Do you do weird experiments on people?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What?” Alex yells. She throws her water bottle cap at Sam.

 

“I do,” Sam assures Alex. “I wear low cut shirts to see if my colleagues care about what I have to say more when I do. Which, they do.” Sam throws the cap back. “You didn’t treat me differently though.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I wore that sweater yesterday and you’re looking at me exactly the same way now. I wasn’t actually thinking about it as it happened, but now...I wish I knew what you thought of me. I wish I knew how you see me.” It comes out of nowhere, and yet, Alex understands completely. They’ve spent hours together just talking and watching each other closely. A thousand thoughts have crossed her mind and she assumes it’s the same for Sam, so why shouldn’t Sam be curious?

 

But Alex doesn’t know what to say. Or what she should say.

 

Because Alex has never had a friendship quite like this. Flirty and fun. It’s so compact, limited to these weekend nights, but it’s real. Alex knows that. So where exactly is the line? Alex doesn’t know the rules and she’s terrified of breaking them. “I’m sorry if I looked at you like...I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t want to be compared to those shitty people that you work with.”

 

“Oh, Alex, I wouldn’t dream of comparing you to them.” Sam bites her lip. “Alex, are you in the closet?” Sam touches the back of Alex’s hand. “Sorry...I don’t know why I asked that.”

 

“It’s okay. I am. Which is weird because I didn’t know I was...I didn’t know that I was gay until recently.” Alex should feel embarrassed. In some ways she does, but Sam doesn’t look like she’s judging her, not even in the slightest. “I think...I dunno, there’s no real reason for me to feel afraid of coming out. Everyone will accept me, most of my friends are out, but...it’s just something about my dad not being here. It makes things harder to come to terms with. He’s the person I always went to.” Alex still remembers that even way back then, she did have an inkling. That she was different. That her feelings for her friends were different. If she’d told her dad she would’ve probably had a completely different life. She probably would’ve been a researcher or even a professor. But losing her dad and losing the person she relied on so heavily, it made Alex angry, and all she wanted to do was fight. “It’s embarrassing, actually. I feel old. Like I showed up and the party was already over.”

 

“You’re not alone, Alex. People come out when they’re eighty and that’s okay.” The credits for the movie are running and Alex knows that it’s probably really late and that Sam should go to bed. But Sam stays anyway. “And not to downplay it or anything, but you’re really attractive and I guarantee a lot of women have already been sending you signals.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Just speaking the truth.” Sam glances over at the credits rolling down the screen. “The first time I was with a woman, I was told that I was really bad at foreplay.”

 

“She told you that?”

 

“She was what they called ‘brutally honest’, but she was just kinda a cunt. Anyway, apparently, I was rushing too much. I was treating kissing like a box to tick not a part of the experience. Because I was used to being with guys, who were...ready to finish before we even started. It took me a while to figure it all out.” Sam shrugs like it’s nothing. “But then I realized, if it’s actually with someone you care about, experience doesn’t matter all that much. I mean, have you…? Have you had sex with a woman?”

 

“Uh..” Alex shies away from Sam’s gaze.

 

“I’m not trying to shame you.”

 

“I know. It’s not that.” Alex bites the inside of her cheek. “I’ve actually slept with a few women. I thought it was just drunk hookups, but...apparently not.” Alex blushes.

 

“Are you good in bed?” Alex could laugh or blush even more, instead, she just stares at Sam. “What? It’s just me. I’m pretty good in bed. I think. I hope. I can be a little bit of a pillow princess though-.”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“Make me.” And the way Sam is looking at Alex, Alex actually considers it. She cannot, for the life of her, figure Sam out. “What did your friends think about that Instagram post?”

 

“Oh, god. A million questions. They think...they think something is going on between us.”

 

“Is it? We are spending our weekends together. Watching movies together. Flirting.”

 

“You’re flirting,” Alex assures her. “I’m just being nice.”

 

“Oh, so we’re gonna play this game?” Sam tries to kick Alex’s leg but misses. “I think you might actually be somewhat of a cocky player under all that shy innocent bullshit.” Sam stands up and wobbles a little bit. Alex quickly stands and grabs Sam’s waist.

 

“You really are a lightweight.”

 

“At least I was honest.” Sam rests one hand on Alex’s shoulder and the other is pressed against Alex’s collarbone. “Why did you take this job?”

 

“I needed to breathe. Work is overwhelming and I haven’t been sleeping anyway, so…”

 

“Well, I’m happy. Beyond happy. You fucking make me want to believe in God.” Sam’s hand is moving, somewhere around Alex’s shirt collar, further even, and behind her neck. “I know I put on this big front. Like I know what I’m doing. But I don’t. And you showed up and now my world is tilting and changing and I don’t know how to make it stop.”

 

“I’m not a good safety net, Sam.”

 

“Neither am I.” Sam playfully pushes Alex away. “Will you walk me down?”

 

“Yes.” Alex makes quick work of unplugging the projector and grabbing the cooler. Sam is happy to abandon the chairs because that’s a problem for tomorrow-Sam, and they climb into the elevator and head down. Sam leans against the elevator wall, rolling from side to side comically. The fluorescent lights are harsh especially compared to Patricia’s dimly lit room and the roof, and it dawns on Alex that this is the first time she’s seen Sam completely unobscured. Even when they were alone in her apartment last week, Sam was rushing around and cooking, so it was difficult to really see her.

 

But now? Now Alex does see her. And it’s such a funny feeling, knowing that Sam sees her too.

 

“What is it?” Sam asks quietly. So quietly that Alex has to strain to hear her and even then, she’s not sure if Sam wants her to respond.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Okay.” Sam points to her neck and motions to Alex. “You’ve been wearing those all night.” Alex’s hand shoots to her neck, and she feels the wires of her headphones. “Those are different than the ones you had on the night we met.”

 

“Good memory.” Alex stops toying with the wires as the elevator door opens for them. “I guess I forgot I had them.”

 

“They look old.” Alex can see Sam facepalm even though she’s a few feet ahead of her. “Not in a bad way, it...they’re like...you know, those headphones we used to have as kids. The ones we’d plug into our Walkmans .” Sam fumbles around with her keys which gives Alex enough time to think about why she was wearing this particular pair tonight.

 

Her other ones were great, noise-canceling and all, but these...they were old. And worn. And somehow after all these years they still worked just fine. They were a memento, but they felt more real than a memory.

 

“They’re my dad’s. Were,” Alex tells her and Sam finally manages to get the door open. Alex is opening her mouth to say goodnight when Sam grabs onto the arm of her jacket and pulls Alex inside. Sam puts her finger to her lips to remind Alex to be quiet, and for some unknown reason, Sam brings Alex to her bedroom.

 

Sam’s bedroom is smaller than Alex would expect for an apartment of this size, but the ensuite is large and Alex can see that there is a separate bathtub and shower inside. Sam’s bed isn’t made, there are a few clothes scattered on the ground, and there are a few art pieces decorating the wall. “What are you doing?” Alex asks. Sam is reaching under her bed for something and Alex only slightly - for less than a second - believes that Sam has brought her here to kill her. Paranoia never goes away, but when Alex sees Sam pull out a footlocker and open it to reveal piles of incredible 90s nostalgia, Alex actually wants to laugh at herself.

 

“It’s in here somewhere.” Alex sits on the ground next to Sam watching her search. “Oh! Here it is.” Sam pulls out an old yellow and black Walkman. “I bet it works.”

 

“No fucking way.” Alex grabs the Walkman and shakes her head. “I can’t believe you have all this stuff.”

 

“Hashtag foster-kid-life. Anything I got, I kept.” Sam reaches for Alex’s headphones but quickly retracts her hand. “Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.” Alex plugs her headphones into the Walkman herself. Surprisingly, it does still work, and of course, the cassette that’s been sitting in the device does too. It’s a mixtape, which makes Sam blush and laugh quietly, and as soon as the music starts, Alex laughs too. It’s Annie Lennox’s No More I Love You’s and Alex feels like she has completely been transplanted back in time. “Did you make this mixtape?”

 

“Yes, embarrassingly enough.” Sam leans forward and starts tugging off Alex’s jacket. “Stay awhile.”

  
“Okay.” Alex shrugs her jacket off the rest of the way and sits cross-legged in front of Sam, who continues to look through the footlocker. “I like this song.” Sam leans over and presses her ear against Alex’s, so she can hear what’s playing. Sam’s hand holds Alex’s knee for balance. It must take Sam a while to recognize the music because she doesn’t move for a few moments. Alex can feel the tingle of Sam’s breath against her neck and Sam’s fingers touching her knee. Alex has the instinct to touch Sam back.

 

Because when Alex is training, she touches people. When she’s hanging around her friends, Lucy, Kara, and Winn often hug her. Alex isn’t starved of touch but when it’s outside of those two zones - work and home - her body doesn’t know how to react. And, for the first time, she notices that Sam doesn’t quite know what to do either. Sam pulls away from Alex and all her confidence - drunken or otherwise - has been washed away. “Drivin’ on 9, a classic,” Sam says like she’s scrambling to get back to the footlocker. “Did your dad like the same music as you?” Alex doesn’t really talk about her father. She supposes that’s mainly because when Eliza or Kara bring it up, it makes her feel guilty and angry. But somehow, this different angle, with this different person, tiptoeing into the past doesn’t seem all that scary.

 

“God, no. He was a Led Head. But we could agree on Joplin, so we’d go through her discography when we’d work on projects together.” Kara didn’t really like Joplin but she pretended to so she could be allowed to hang out in the garage with them. Even to this day, every time Alex listens to “Mercedes Benz”, she can still hear the way her dad put that southern twang into his singing. The way Kara would tap a broom against the concrete floor keeping the rhythm of the song. Eliza throwing open the screen door and telling them to turn the music down.

 

Those days were easy.

 

“Do you think we only have a certain amount of love? Like we’re only capable of a certain amount, and once it’s used up, it’s gone?”

 

“Wow. Heavy.” Alex pulls the headphones off, so they’re dangling around her neck again.

 

“I was just thinking...your dad, my dad...we lost them so soon. That’s years and years where we don’t get to love them. Do we lose that love or not?”

 

“I still love my dad. Every day, I love him more and more.” Alex clears her throat. “But, that’s different. You’re right, I think. Maybe that just means we have more love to give to other people.” Alex shrugs. “I hope.” Alex checks her watch and it’s four in the morning. If she was dedicated to her job, she might do one last walk through, but she isn’t. And the last thing she wants to do is to be away from Sam. “Give your brain a break.” Alex places her headphones over Sam’s ears and though Sam looks as shocked as she is happy, Alex smiles while Sam bops her head around to whatever song is playing now.

 

Alex doesn’t know why she does what she does next. Impulsive desperation, she guesses, but Alex takes hold of Sam’s hand and kisses her knuckle, the spot between her pointer and middle finger. It’s such an odd departure from anything Alex would ever do. Ever. But somehow it still feels right. Sam carefully takes off the headphones, gently places them on her nightstand, and covers her face in her hands. “What? Everything okay?”

 

“No. You’re making me...I feel kind of shy right now.” Sam rolls her eyes at herself. “Will you stay here? Ruby wakes up at ten on Sunday’s, it’s official house rules according to her, and...your shift is almost over anyway.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Really?” Sam returns the Walkman to her footlocker and pushes it under the bed. “I thought for sure you’d say no.” Sam goes over to her dresser and grabs some sweatpants and a t-shirt. “You can wear this if you want.” Alex takes the clothes and goes into the bathroom to change. The pants bunch up at Alex’s ankles, but other than that they fit perfectly. Before Alex returns to the bedroom, she stares at herself in the mirror, trying to figure out if she’s been replaced by the kind of person who would have the audacity to kiss someone - even if it’s just on the hand. When she’s sure that she’s still herself, Alex heads back into the room, finding Sam wearing a t-shirt, underwear, and nothing else. Somehow, Alex doesn’t explode, and she manages to climb into bed with Sam like this is a totally normal thing to be doing.

 

Sam rolls to her side, facing Alex. “Can I tell you something?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You gave me butterflies.”

 

“I did?” Alex tries her best to keep her voice even but being this close to Sam is hard. “When?”

 

“When you kissed my hand. It was like…” Sam closes her eyes for a second. “It was like this.” Sam touches Alex’s earlobe, running her thumb around the spot that Alex had pierced herself. “You know when someone touches somewhere where you haven’t been touched in a long time? That moment when you become really aware of yourself, of your realness. That’s what happened.”

 

“You’re good with words.” Sam releases Alex and shakes her head. “Really, you are. You should be a writer.”

 

“I am a writer,” Sam tells Alex with a grin.

 

“You’re...a writer? I thought you worked at LCorp.”

 

“I can’t do both?” Alex can’t tell if Sam is messing with her. And if she is, Alex isn’t sure why she would. “Not many people know it’s me though. I have a pseudonym, like some kind of 18th-century novelist.”

 

“You’re serious?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes!” Sam hits Alex’s shoulder playfully. “What? Why don’t you believe me?”

 

“I do. I’m surprised is all.” Alex ponders for a second. “Well, what is your pseudonym? Maybe I’ve read your work.”

 

“I doubt it.” Sam smiles brighter.

 

“Okay, asshole, I read. I read a lot, actually.” Alex crosses her arms over her chest and rests her head on the pillow. “I’ll find out eventually.” Sam just keeps smiling. “Can you at least tell me a genre?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Fine.” Alex continues to pout, which lasts for about half a second before Sam detangles Alex’s arms and cuddles up next to her. “Goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight, Alex.” Alex falls asleep easily. She dreams of rooftop movies and of finding places to touch Sam that make them both feel real and totally whole. Alex wonders, and not for the first time, if she will ever be ready to make her life the way she wants it to be. She wonders if there’s a way to get through the trauma and find something good on the other side.

 

This is the first time that Alex has ever shared a bed with someone. And she surprises herself by being totally comfortable doing it. Sam is like no one Alex has ever met. She is such a natural fit in Alex’s arms that Alex does feel like maybe there was a higher power guiding them to each other. Alex finds herself thinking these things like it’s something she does all the time. Hope seems tangible right now. Healing seems like a possibility too.

 

Alex decides to open herself up to touch and be touched and whatever follows she’ll be okay with because she’ll have done something she’s been so resistant to do. Alex will learn what it means to want to be healthy and happy and safe.

 

 

Alex wakes up before Sam. Some kind of domestic instinct has her leaving two Advils and a glass of water on Sam’s nightstand. Alex writes Sam a note - like a dweeb - that says: thanks for the movie and music last night , and she kisses Sam’s forehead before she gets ready to go. She gathers her things - headphones and her keys - and rushes downstairs to meet with Dan who, apparently, didn’t even notice that she was half an hour late. Alex goes straight to the cafe, so she can spend some time with Kara and try to figure out if Alex is going through some kind of life crisis or if this is just what having a crush on someone feels like.

 

Thankfully, the cafe is much quieter this early on a Sunday than it is on weekdays, and that means Alex takes her usual spot at the counter and watches Winn decorate some pastries while Kara makes a few orders. “You look rested,” Kara tells Alex. “How was work?”

 

“Uneventful,” Alex lies. “Hey, how was your brunch thing?” Winn laughs from behind the counter, Kara shoots him a glare. “What? That bad?”

 

“That good, actually,” Kara starts. “At first, I felt kinda...I dunno, out of place. But Lena is really nice, not to mention hot, and she really made me feel welcome. Plus, two companies might put this place in their magazines this month, and we got invited to like 80 festivals.” Kara looks so happy and it makes Alex proud to see Kara taking big steps forward. Suddenly, Kara’s eyes go wide. “Alex! You’re...you’re wearing them.” For the second time today, Alex looks down at her father’s headphones. Kara looks like she doesn’t know what to do and Winn takes over on the orders so they can have some space. “Sorry...I um...I forgot about those.”

 

“Oh, yeah. I wear them sometimes. It makes me think of him. Mowing the lawn and all.” Alex plugs them into her phone and puts them on Kara’s ears. “Listen.” Alex plays “Mercedes Benz” and Kara taps her fingers against the counter like she always did when they were kids.

 

Alex cries. Not a lot, but enough to cause Kara to pull her into the storage room so they can both take a breather. Kara looks down at her feet, looking young and unsure. Alex sticks her hands in her pockets and sighs. “I’m sorry I’m so hard on you.”

 

“You aren’t.”

 

“I mean about dad.” Silence settles between them, Alex tries to find a way to push forward. “We both lost him. And I’m the one who couldn’t figure out how to deal with it.”

 

“Alex. It’s different. You were there, I’ll never understand how that feels.”

 

“No, it’s...it’s that feeling. Being trapped and unable to do anything. It’s a terrible thing to wish, but I always...I wanted you to be there with me in that car so I could share that feeling with someone else.” Alex presses her back to the wall and slides down to the floor. “That’s a fucking horrible thing to say. I can’t believe I said that.”

 

“Alex?” Kara kneels down in front of her. “You can say anything, horrible or not. I’m just happy you’re saying something.” Kara touches the headphones softly. “Take these back, I don’t want to mess them up.”

 

“You hang onto them.” Alex holds out her hands and Kara pulls her up to her feet. Kara opens the door for Alex on their way out. “Also, I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’ve kinda been hanging out with this person…” Alex stops dead in her tracks when she sees said person and Lena chatting with Winn at the register. “Sam!”

 

Winn, Sam, and Lena turn startled by Alex’s sudden presence behind the counter.

 

“And Lena,” Lena says with a small wave at Alex and a wink at Kara.

 

“And Ruby!” Ruby pops her head up from behind the pastry display. Alex waves to all of them and Winn tries his best not to look like he’s connecting the dots between Alex and Sam. It certainly doesn’t help that Sam is wearing Alex’s jean jacket, but thankfully, Kara is too distracted by Lena to notice that yet. Alex walks around to the other side of the counter where Ruby stands, looking up at her hopefully. “Hug?”

 

“Yes, I consent.” Alex and Ruby hug, getting ohhhs and awwwws from everyone, but Alex isn’t even the slightest bit embarrassed. And when she releases Ruby and Ruby goes rushing over to sit at a booth, Alex finds that Sam is looking at her with soft and inviting eyes. “Hey.”

 

“Hey.” Sam points to a mug that Winn has just set down on the counter. “I got a latte, like the basic bitch that I am.”

 

“I never called you that.” Lena stifles a laugh as she heads over to join Ruby at the table. “Nice jacket.”

 

“Oh, you like it?” Sam runs her fingers over the slightly frayed hem of the jacket. “I’m thinking of keeping it. Forever.” Alex is acutely aware of Kara and Winn’s leering and she’s certainly aware that they can hear everything that Sam is saying, but Alex doesn’t care as much as she would’ve a week ago. “I don’t get a hug?”

 

“You didn’t ask for one.”

 

“Fine, can I have a hug?” Alex nods and wraps her arms around Sam’s waist. Sam loops her arms around the back of Alex’s neck and tugs her closer. “Your hair smells good,” Sam says as they separate and Alex can hear Winn choking on air behind them. Sam and Alex are about to join Lena and Ruby at the booth but Lena abruptly stands up. “What?”

 

“Ruby and I just found a kick ass-.”

 

“Language,” Sam warns Lena.

 

“-bookstore.” Lena grabs Ruby’s hand. “New plan. Ruby and I are gonna go to the bookstore for a little while and then we’ll meet you at the Bistro for lunch?” Both Ruby and Lena bounce on their toes as they wait for Sam to approve their excursion. “I mean, it’s not like you want to go to a bookstore.” Lena stage whispers to Ruby, “I don’t know if your mom can read.” Sam rolls her eyes, dramatically, but Ruby and Lena seem to get a kick out of that.

 

“You guys can go. But no murder mysteries or horror stories.”

 

“Mom! Please.”

 

“Nope. But you can get something for Alex,” Sam suggests. “Have fun, don’t get arrested, you know...the usual rules apply.” Alex can’t tell if she’s talking to Lena or Ruby, but they both seem used to it as they make their way out of the cafe. Alex stands in front of Sam, awkwardly, for a moment, unsure if she should join her at the booth or return to the counter. “Don’t act like we didn’t sleep together last night. Sit with me.”

 

“Shhh.” Alex says pinching Sam’s arm and sitting across from her. “Your bed is really comfortable though. I’ll give you that.”

 

“I picked it out myself.” Sam looks down at her latte. Winn has apparently gotten much better with roses recently. “So...here we are. You and me. Daytime.”

 

“Weird, huh?” But weird isn’t the right word. Instead, all Alex can think about is how absolutely stunning Sam looks in the warm light. How different it feels to see her when the world is slowly coming to life around them. People are here with them and though Alex had assumed this moment might never actually happen, that they’d only interact at weird hours up on an apartment roof, Alex is happy that Sam is sitting in front of her now. Alex wants to touch Sam again. She’s restless even. Trying to find an excuse to reach across the table and tuck a stray hair behind Sam’s ear.

 

“Lovely, actually.” Sam takes a sip of her latte. “Can I touch you?”

 

Alex lets out a breath. “What? Here...um, now?” Alex glances over at Winn and Kara and they actually look busy.

 

“Just your hand.”

 

“Okay.” Alex holds out her hand and Sam grabs hold. She flips Alex’s hand over and studies a scar on Alex’s knuckle. “That’s old.”

 

“Yeah, I noticed it yesterday. Just wanted to see it in the light,” Sam explains before releasing Alex’s hand. “I made Lena come here because I thought you might be here. You are so wonderful, which isn’t something I say about a lot of people.” There it is, complete vulnerability. “Alex?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Don’t break my heart.” Before Alex can dive in and promise something she doesn’t know she has the right to promise, Lucy bursts into the cafe, holding a gardening shovel and wearing her gardening gloves and overalls. The regulars don’t even look up from their coffee but Sam is startled by the intrusion.

 

“The fucking assholes at the community garden got food poisoning last night and I need help,” Lucy proclaims. Winn hides behind the counter at the mention of gardening, but Lucy has already zeroed in on Alex and there’s no escaping now. “Alex, thank god you’re here.” Lucy marches over, sets the shovel down on the ground, and slides into the booth beside Alex. “And hello Alex’s super hot friend. Not that I’m creeping, just wondering why Alex’s dorky ass is hanging out with you.”

 

“I like dorks.” Sam reaches out to shake Lucy’s hand. “I’m Sam.”

 

“You’re Sam? Like the Sam?” Lucy nudges Alex’s shoulder dramatically. Alex could die on the spot.

 

“Don’t put a the in front of her name like I talk about her that much,” Alex warns Lucy as she watches Lucy shake Sam’s hand enthusiastically. “And what are you screaming about anyway? The garden?”

 

“Yeah, we’ve got tomatoes, green beans, carrots, lettuce, beets, and cucumbers to pick, and I can’t do it alone.” Lucy clasps her hands together. “Please, Alex, you’re my ride or die, right?” Sam looks between them, amused.

 

“I’ll help,” Sam proclaims. “Assuming I can bring my daughter.”

 

“Are you kidding? The more the merrier!” Lucy looks over at Alex. “I’m gonna grab a coffee, annoy your little sister and then I’ll meet you over at the garden?”

 

“Sure,” Alex grumbles, completely ignoring Lucy’s elbow in her side. “You owe me.”

 

“Yeah, whatever,” Lucy says as she joins Winn and Kara near the register. Alex returns her focus to Sam, who seems to have all but forgotten her moment of vulnerability and is instead focusing on texting Lena - probably to tell her about the change of plans - and drinking her latte. When Sam finally does look up, Alex is staring back at her, trying to say what she wants to say.

 

“Sam?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I won’t.”

 

 

 

Lucy, of course, makes gardening into this intense sequence of hard labor and absolutely no rest and in a community garden as big as East National City, it’s a chore. Ruby and Alex take on carrots because it’s the only vegetable that Ruby likes and Lucy is more than happy to offer a free basket to the ecstatic ten year old for her hard work. Alex is happy to help, but like Lena, apparently, she’s taking the slow and steady approach. It doesn’t help that Sam is walking side by side with her picking green beans and constantly joking around with Alex.

 

At one point Ruby decides to race Kara and that leaves Alex and Sam to rest a little while Lucy is heckling Winn, James, and Lena for being too slow. “Your butt looks good,” Sam stage whispers. Alex rolls her eyes trying not to play too much with Sam because if she did, they’d get lost in their own world. “Oh, you’ve got such a cute blush too.”

 

“Sam…” Alex tosses a carrot at Sam and laughs. “Behave for like two seconds.” Sam ignores Alex and finds a flower in the patch of garden that’s separate from the veggies. Sam breaks the flower from its stem and tucks it behind Alex’s ear. “Thanks.”

 

“You look so soft.” Sam grabs onto Alex’s arm to stop her from picking anything else. “I can’t believe you were ever a soldier, seriously. You’re like walking cotton candy.”

 

“I am not! And I’m tough as shit, ask anyone at the DEO.” Which wasn’t all that true. Because some trainees just thought Alex was strict about rules and controlling, not necessarily tough. But then when sparring sessions happened everyone was usually surprised by Alex’s agility and power. “So, are you ever going to tell me more about your writing? Or will I just have to do a highly illegal background search for your alias?”

 

“I’m not that easy. Plus, this is fun.”

 

“Okay, well if you can’t tell me what you write about, can you tell me when you write? You’ve got a hectic job, a kid...when do you even have time?” Alex asks.

 

“I mostly make notes when I’m at work. Ideas and funny things people say. I write when I can, which is usually late at night.” Sam throws a few green beans in a basket. “My publisher is begging for another book but...I’ve got writer’s block. Ever since my mom got sick.”

 

“Well, what do you do when you get stuck?”

 

“Uh...I dunno. Usually, I try and be really open and honest, probably too honest, with everyone around me. It helps me not feel like I’m holding back.” Sam glances over at Alex. “That’s why I’ve been acting insane around you.”

 

“You haven’t been acting insane. Actually, it’s...refreshing. I know that you won’t hide from me, it makes it a lot easier for me to be honest too.” And Alex does know that everything is easier said than done. She probably shouldn’t have promised Sam that she wouldn’t break her heart. She also shouldn’t be openly flirting with her and having sleepovers and touching Sam every chance she gets. Because Alex is one mistake away from losing it all, and she isn’t sure that Sam would like her very much if she was a mess of misery. “I wish I could see your little black book.”

 

Sam reaches into Alex’s jacket pocket and waves around a tiny red notebook. “You wish. Though I’ve got some great notes on you.”

 

“Which means I could maybe end up in your next book?”

 

“Fictionalized of course. I think I’d probably make you a little less ‘too good to be true’, a little edgier maybe. I mean I could make you a total asshole.” Sam ponders that for a second. “Nah, that might be kind of mean.”

 

“Do you put yourself in your books?”

 

“That’s for me to know and for you to never find out.” Sam waves at Lena as she approaches. “Hey, how’s it going up there?”

 

“Fun, this Lucy chick is kinda bossy. I like her.” Lena laughs. “Alex, I have to say. You learn a lot about someone from their friends. And I think I like what I'm learning about you.” Lena grabs Sam’s hand and pulls her close enough to whisper something in Sam’s ear. Lena pulls back and laughs, Sam does too.

 

“I wish,” Sam replies and Alex really wishes that she could have heard what Lena said. “Oh, Alex, I think Ruby left the book she got you in the car.”

 

“She really didn’t have to.”

 

“She wanted to,” Sam assures Alex. “Come on, let’s go grab it.” Alex is thankful for a break no matter how brief. They go through the garden gates and head down the sidewalk to find Sam’s car. “So...we have a major banquet thing tonight that’s going to be boring as hell, but that means I probably won’t see you tonight.”

 

“That’s okay.”

 

“Not with me. I’ll miss you.” Sam finds her car and unlocks the door, but doesn’t look like she’s all that interested in actually opening the door. “So, here’s the thing…”

 

“Is everything okay? Are you alright?”

 

“I’m okay, just...I really don’t let a lot of people in my life. And I feel like I dragged you into my world and if that’s the case, if it’s just me being hopeful and maybe totally desperate, then that’d be good to know now.”

 

“You didn’t drag me anywhere. I like being around you. I’m not sure what that means yet, but I do mean it.” Alex takes a deep breath. “I also want to…” Alex steels her nerves and grabs hold of Sam’s jacket, pulling her closer. Alex’s eyes dart down to Sam’s lips. “Can I kiss you?”

 

“Yes. Please.” Sam leans forward, so does Alex-

 

“Mom!” Alex and Sam jump apart, looking over to see Ruby jogging toward them, with an exasperated Lena following. “Can I give Alex the book now?” Ruby doesn’t wait for an answer, instead, she rushes into the back seat in search of the shopping bag. When Lena finally does make it to them, she looks ridiculously apologetic and Alex is far too embarrassed to even acknowledge the fact that she almost kissed Sam in front of her daughter and her best friend slash boss. Sam looks significantly less mortified, but Alex supposes that has more to do with Sam putting on a front so Ruby doesn’t suspect anything.

 

Finally, Ruby emerges with the shopping bag and she holds it out for Alex to take. “I hope you like it.” Alex knows that whatever it is, she’ll love it. Alex has never once thought that anyone might think she’s cool, let alone a kid, but Ruby is a bundle of joy every time Alex sees her. Alex opens the bag and pulls out a book titled Astrology and Other Beautiful Things . “It has really cool pictures.”

 

“Wow, Ruby, this is awesome.” Alex briefly looks through the book, Ruby grins even brighter.

 

“Sometimes the world is boring or scary. So, I thought this might help.”

 

“Thanks for having my back, Ruby.” Alex runs her fingers through her hair. “I owe you one-”

 

“Will you come over on Tuesday?” Ruby asks before Alex can finish her sentence. “Ms. Wilson is supposed to babysit me and she stinks.”

 

“Ruby!” Sam chastises.

 

“What? She does!” Ruby turns back to Alex. “You could babysit me, right? I swear I won’t be annoying or anything.”

 

“Uh…” Alex turns to Sam.

 

“Ruby, honey. Alex is a very busy person. She might have work to do on Tuesday.”

 

“No, actually...well, if it’s alright with you, I don’t mind.” Alex hopes that Sam knows this isn’t just a ploy to get her to trust her. Alex wants to prove to someone other than herself that she can be present when she’s needed. One night of babysitting might be basic compared to helping run the DEO, but it’s a start. And it’s something Alex needs in order to feel like she’s moving forward. “It’ll be fun.”

 

“Alex…” Sam rests her hand on Alex’s arm. “You really don’t have to.”

 

“I want to.” Alex closes her new book and places it back in the bag. “Really, if it’ll help.” Sam squeezes Alex’s arm, in acknowledgment, before giving Ruby an ‘okay” nod.

 

“Well, Ruby, how about we leave Alex and Sam to make arrangements,” Lena says, half pulling and half beckoning Ruby away. Once they’re alone again, Sam leans her back against the car watching Alex closely. Alex considers trying to kiss Sam again but she doesn’t know if the timing is right. Alex leans against the car beside Sam.

 

“Are you just trying to impress me or something? Because, first of all, you are. And secondly, I’m not into that kind of thing. Don’t use my daughter to get to me.”

 

“I’m not like that, Sam. I only want to help.”

 

“Okay, sorry, not to get all protective mother.”

 

“No, don’t apologize. I understand.” Alex sticks her hands in her pockets. “I get off work at five, so I’ll come to your place. Fair warning, I can’t cook so if you could give me a list of places I can order from that’d be great.”

 

“I will.”

 

“And I’ll have Kara on speed dial, in case I...in case I have a panic attack.” Alex bites the inside of her cheek.

 

“That’s really thoughtful. But I don’t want you to think that whatever’s going on up here…” Sam rubs her thumb against the spot just above Alex's temple. “Scares me. Because it doesn’t. And you never need to feel like I look at you differently just because you’ve gone through difficult things.” Sam kisses Alex’s cheek and then her other cheek. Alex goes to lean forward, ready to pick up where they left off, but Sam presses her hand against Alex’s chest. “Raincheck on that kiss? Sorry, I don’t want to be interrupted by my daughter again. That makes me a little nervous.”

 

“I get it. I’ll try to be patient.”

 

“No pressure, right?”

 

“Right,” Alex lies. “No pressure.” Alex wishes that she could live in this moment for just a little bit longer. This perfect in between. Alex doesn’t know if she and Sam would be good as friends or better as something more, but right now, it’s the possibility that keeps them smiling.

 

This isn’t something Alex has actually considered. Liking someone and being liked back. No matter how tentative or scary it might seem for the both of them. Alex doesn’t mind this feeling at all. It’s nothing like anything she’s felt before. Soft and gentle. Alex didn’t know that she’d been missing out on all this until now. Alex had been so wrapped up in all her shit for so long that she forgot that happy people actually did exist.

 

Alex can be happy. No. She will be happy. “Oh my god, look at you. You look like you just figured something out.”

 

“I think I did.”

 

“Want to share?”

 

“Maybe later. Raincheck on that too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real story: I worked as a park guard when I was in high school. Which basically meant that I would work from 8 - midnight at these two parks in town, looking out for kids smoking pot, people making out, or other strange things at night. Like Alex, I truly was half-assing my job, but having weird hours really messed with my point of view. The world was so different at night being out there completely alone and I'm trying so hard to capture that feeling in this story. Not sure if it's working, but I'm still trying. 
> 
> Anyway: in honor of my current sports obsession (courtesy of the NBA playoffs and the UFC), what sports do you all think Sam and Alex might have played in their youth? (asking for future fic or one-shot reasons).


	4. Chapter 4

Lucy flat out laughs at Alex when she tells her that she’ll be babysitting Ruby tonight. Alex is thankful, if only slightly, that they’re the first ones at the table in the cafeteria because she isn’t sure that she’d be able to handle everyone ridiculing her. Lucy does tend to be a good sport about most things, at least. “Dude...wow.” Alex doesn’t care - or shouldn’t care - what Lucy thinks of Sam. But Lucy is her friend and before this all becomes a tangled mess of assumptions, Alex wants to test the waters and see how Lucy really reacts. “Are you any good with kids?”

 

“I hang around Kara and Winn all the time.” 

 

“Good point.” Lucy digs into her lunch. She’s buying time. Alex knows the look on Lucy’s face right now. Thoughtful but not persistent. Alex needs to bite the bullet. “So, do you want to talk about it?”

 

“Babysitting?”

 

“Sam.” Lucy twirls pasta around her fork. _Twirling, twirling, twirling_ until she can’t maintain the distraction any longer. “Do you like her?”

 

“I like her. I like lots of people.” Alex scratches the back of her neck. “I have no idea what I’m doing. Seriously, I...I can’t explain it.”

 

“Casanova Danvers. I knew you had it in you.” Lucy playfully taps Alex’s head. “What are we talking here? Making out? Or fucking? How long have you known this chick anyway-.”

 

“No, it’s not…” Alex facepalms. “Nothing’s actually happened between us. But I feel like...I dunno. Different.” Alex can feel just how warm her cheeks are and she's almost embarrassed that Lucy is seeing her like this. But she’s also thrilled. She’s feeling something for another person, something genuine, and the world isn’t exploding. Lucy is having the time of her life watch Alex squirm and struggle with words but Alex doesn’t feel an ounce of shame. “She’s cute, right?”

 

“I called her your  _ hot friend _ to her face. She’s cute.” Lucy stuffs about two fork fulls of pasta into her face. “Oh, you should bring her to Derby on Saturday! We’re facing the Routford Rage and you know I hate that one chick.”

 

“Kelly, right. ‘Cause she got away with an illegal hit last year.” Alex ponders. It wouldn’t be weird to invite Sam out, would it? They’ve already seen each other in the day time. What’s a little roller derby hang out in comparison? “I’ll think about it.”

 

“Have you showed her your plant?”

 

“That sounds like a euphemism.” Lucy looks amused and Alex tries her best to focus on her meal. “She hasn’t been to my apartment. But I’ll be sure to show her my plant when I get the chance.”

 

“You’d better,” Lucy says, jabbing her fork in Alex’s direction. Her playfulness quickly shifts to professionalism when Lucy notices Hank approaching. “Director of Doom, at your six.” Alex doesn’t bother turning around because she doesn’t have enough time or space to react to Hank’s sudden presence at their table. 

 

Everyone’s eyes are on them. Namely, because Hank doesn’t have a tray and he certainly doesn’t look like he has any intention of eating with them. Alex isn’t certain that he actually has time to eat, she’s certainly never seen him take part. Lucy looks a lot more composed but still, anyone with half a brain could sense the sudden shift in the world order. “Danvers, Lane. I hope I’m not interrupting.” 

 

“No, sir.” Alex and Lucy say in unison. 

 

“Good.” Hank has a stare that makes Alex think that whatever he’s about to say is going to ruin her day. “You both passed your drug tests, which shouldn’t be a surprise to either of you.” He doesn’t smile, not even slightly. “HR is going to ask for a list of five contacts for each of you. Friends, Family, Colleagues, that’s all your choice. But choose wisely.”

 

“When do they need the names by?” Lucy asks. Alex is thankful she’s there because Alex truly is reaching panic mode. The only people who know -  _ really  _ know her - are Kara and Eliza and they also know that she’s a neurotic and anxious mess. Kara is terrible at lying and Alex knows that she won’t lie under this kind of pressure. Eliza is bound to bring up Jeremiah's death immediately which is all the prompting the DEO will need to dig into her sealed medical records. 

 

“Next week.” Hank taps the table with his knuckle. “You both are doing great. Keep it up!” Hearing Hank be cheerful lets Alex know that she’s doomed. Lucy actually laughs as Hank retreats.    
  


“Maybe I’ll put my dad on my list. He can tell the DEO all about the time I crashed a car into my garage.” Alex should laugh too. It’s a funny story. But Alex doesn’t want to think about car crashes. Or family. Or how the hell she’s going to maneuver her way out of this situation. She just needs to breathe. “Danvers, you’re looking hella pale. You alright?” Alex is not alright. She knows her mind and her body well enough to know that she’s in the early stages of a panic attack. 

 

Gracefulness is not on the agenda as Alex sprints out of the room and finds her way to a utility closet. Something about the intensity and desperation of the situation causes Alex to collapse to the ground. Her fears are like her companion, bedfellow really. Living with her no matter what, but today - Jesus. She feels as though she is being suffocated. She feels both too alive and nearly dead and for a split second she thinks:  _ fucking hell, I’m having a heart attack. _

 

Alex, for the record, at least has the brilliance to sit there and freak out rather than rushing back out to brave the other trainees. It takes time. It always takes time. But eventually, Alex manages to return to her normal self. She returns to the cafeteria where Lucy - and now Vasquez too - are discussing the best way to utilize their vacation time and hopefully make a trip to Vegas. Alex doesn’t force herself back into the conversation, instead, she runs through everything she needs to get done today. 

 

She’s tentatively excited about hanging out with Ruby. For a ten-year-old, Ruby is shockingly attuned to everything that’s going on around her. Alex is still on the fence about Sam not telling Ruby about Patricia, but that’s out of Alex’s hands. Mostly, Alex tries to keep a cool head. “Where’d you go?” Lucy asks as they plop their trays down on the revolving belt. 

 

“Nowhere.”

 

“Oh, forgot to give you some pointers on taking care of kids,” Lucy starts as they follow the other trainees to their next weapons drills. “Kids don’t drink booze. Something about developing brains.” 

 

“Gee, thanks for the heads up.”

 

“You can be a real idiot sometimes.”

 

“You’re full of compliments.” This particular training day involves both weapons training and hand to hand combat. Half the trainees are guided into another room by a senior agent and told to get busy with cleaning weapons. Alex and Lucy are lucky that they get time to wrap their hands and prepare for the next session. “I do know how to take care of children. Kara was a kid once.”

 

“You were also a kid at that time,” Lucy reminds her like she has some idea about what their lives were like back then. It wasn’t at all cut and dry. The years between Kara and Alex felt a lot more like decades and that was even before everything with Jeremiah. “Ruby seemed pretty mature for her age.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“I dunno. You should ask her about Metropolis. Maybe...well, maybe Sam hasn’t told you everything-.”

 

“I never asked for everything,” Alex assures Lucy. “Jesus. What are you trying to do here?”

 

“I’m looking out for you. Isn’t that obvious?” 

 

“Call Lois, play big sister with her sometime. I’m fine. Sam’s fine. Ruby’s fine.” The wall has been put up, but Lucy still seems to be trying to find a way to climb. “I’m starting to get a little worried about you. What’s the deal with you and James?”

 

“Fuck James.”

 

“You seem to be doing a great job of that all on your own.” Lucy stops toying with her sports wrap and elbows Alex in the side. 

 

“He’s easy. He’s always there.”

 

“You deserve someone that’s more than just a convenience for you. So does he.” Alex doesn’t know exactly how or why she’d decided to play Yoda today but at least Lucy seemed to be listening to her. “That’s all I’ll say for now.”

 

“I should just give this up and tell them to hire you.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“You’ve got your life together. I wish I could be more like you.” Alex feels guilty for being proud of how great of a lie she’s presenting to the world around her. People like Lucy and Hank were trained to pinpoint weakness and they couldn’t see it at all. It isn’t perfect, or particularly good, but the world thinks that Alex is on the right track. 

 

Think it into existence, Alex hopes at the back of her mind. Want better, get better. It’s just a matter of time.

 

* * *

When Alex is let into Sam’s apartment by a very enthusiastic Ruby. Sam is lingering just beyond the door. When Alex steps further into the room she notices that Lena is sitting on the couch, scrolling through her phone. “Hey, Alex. Thank you so much, again.”

 

“Any time,” Alex says. She watches Ruby dart into her bedroom to grab something and with Lena distracted by her phone, Alex gravitates closer to Sam. They haven’t talked in two days and it feels like an eternity. “You look nice.” Business casual looks great on Sam and even though she looks slightly frustrated by the fact that she and Lena have to go  _ back  _ to work soon, Sam lets a small smile form on her lips. 

 

“You big flatterer.”

 

“How are you?”

 

“This is gonna be a long night. Convincing a bunch of rich white dudes to give up their hard inherited money for the greater good...ugh. I should’ve opted for more cleavage. The meeting would probably take three minutes tops.”  Alex rests her hand on Sam’s shoulder, rubbing it slightly before she goes in for a hug. Sam holds her tight. She smells like orange and vanilla and Alex probably smells like sweat and instability, but that doesn’t stop their bodies from fitting perfectly together. “I wish I could stay here forever.” Alex isn’t sure if Sam means in the apartment or in her arms but she doesn’t mind either way. 

 

“We should get going,”  Lena offers from the couch. She had, apparently, decided that Sam and Alex have had enough time bashfully looking at each other. “Wish us luck.”

 

“Good luck,” Alex says as Sam and Lena grab their bags off the kitchen island. “Where’s Ruby?” Just then, Ruby comes sprinting out of her room carrying a plastic bin filled with glue and glitter. 

 

“Have you ever made slime?” Ruby exclaims.

 

“What’s slime?” Alex questions. 

 

“Looks like you’ll be needing more luck than us.” Sam laughs and rubs Alex’s hair playfully on her way to the door. “Be good, Ruby. I love you.”

 

“I love you, mom. Bye, Aunt Lena.” Sam and Lena promptly leave and Alex is immediately met with the realization that a lot can happen in four hours. Anything, actually. Ruby is so fragile and what if Alex does something stupid? Says curse words or tells her about Patricia? Would Sam forgive her? Would she get a second chance? “I can show you how to make it!”

 

“Are you sure?” Alex follows Ruby to the kitchen island. She sets the bin down and goes to the cabinet under the sink and starts rummaging around. “Slime, huh? Sounds gross.” Alex rifles through the bin and Ruby finds a large garbage bag. “What’s that for?”

 

“Gotta tape it on the counter, so we don’t make a mess.” Ruby pulls out some painter’s tape. Alex grabs the other side of the bag and helps Ruby smooth it out so they have an easy surface to work with. “Slime is like science, but...fun.”

 

“Science is fun.”

 

“Sure, Alex,” Ruby says with a laugh as she rushes around the room, grabbing a bowl and baking soda and all kinds of other things. She has obviously done this a million times and Alex still has no clue what’s going on, so she’s stuck there watching. 

 

“What’s it for? The slime, I mean.”

 

“For fun.”

 

“Oh, right.” Alex is disturbed by the fact that she’d just forgotten that fun is actually a thing that exists in the world. She doesn’t dwell on it. She just leans over a bowl with glue, food coloring, and water mixed in it. 

 

“What’s your favorite color?” Ruby motions to the six containers of glitter that are sitting on the table. “Mine is red. But I like green too.”

 

“Uh...I actually don’t know.” Alex laughs at herself. “Isn’t that weird? I guess that’s something I don’t really think about that often.”

 

“What about when you were a kid?” Ruby props her elbows up on the counter and rests her face in her sticky colorful hands. “What was your favorite color then?” 

 

“Blue, I think.” Or, at least, it had been for most of her childhood. But then when they’d adopted Kara and she started latching onto Alex and following her around, Alex had started to rebel. She purposefully started liking things that she really didn’t care for if only to push Kara away. “But I think I kinda like every color.” Alex picks up the green glitter and dashes a little in the bowl. “I have to wear a uniform at work, so...I don’t get to express myself that often.”

 

“I have a uniform too. Bleh.” Ruby rolls her eyes. “It’s a Catholic school.” 

 

“Really?” Alex is a little curious as to why Sam enrolled Ruby in a school that promoted beliefs that she herself didn’t even believe in. “Sounds like you don’t like it very much.”

 

“I don’t like uniforms. And I don’t understand...anything.” Ruby keeps mixing the slime. “Why are there so many Saints?”

 

“I’m not sure.”

 

“Are you Catholic?” 

 

“No. I’m not really anything,” Alex explains.

 

“I’m not really anything either.” Ruby doesn’t seem quite so bothered by the thought. Alex wonders how she feels about it. “What about my mom?”

 

“What about her?”

 

“What does she believe in?” Ruby must sense Alex’s confusion because Ruby ducks her head down. “Sometimes it looks like she’s praying. And if she is, then...I should too. I think.”

 

“Ruby…” Twenty minutes in and they were already hitting deep emotional territory. Alex wants to help. In any way that she can. “You know how we always ask each other if we can hug?” Ruby nods. “Well, this is just like that. You can pray if you want to but you don’t have to.”

 

“But won’t that fix everything?”

 

“Fix what?”

 

“It’ll make her happy again.” It’s the first time that Alex has actually considered that she and Sam might be more similar than she initially thought. Of course, Sam was hurting, but Alex didn’t realize that the person that she was growing closer to might not be the  _ real  _ Sam. Trauma, they carry it with them always. 

 

“It takes time to learn what happiness means for us. Everyone’s different.” Alex has grown tired of watching Ruby have all the fun, so she digs her hand into the bowl and starts mixing the slime around. “I bet if you talked to your mom about all this, she would be honest with you.”  _ Mostly honest _ , probably. 

 

“Do you live with your mom?”

 

“God, no.” Alex clears her throat. There is no way in hell she’s about to go into her deep-seated mommy issues with a ten-year-old. “I mean...she lives in Midvale. So I see her a few times a year.” 

 

“What about your dad?” 

 

“He...he died when I was a kid.” Alex takes time with her words. She doesn’t know what Ruby’s views on life and death are or even if she’s considered the possibility. “Do you know what that means?” 

 

“Does it mean he’s gone forever?” Ruby looks at Alex for a long moment.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Why?” This was a lot more complicated than Alex thought it would be. Ruby is inquisitive and sharp, she latches onto things and expressions. 

 

“Sometimes life throws things at us. Sometimes we deserve them, sometimes not. The important thing is to remember to keep moving forward.”

 

“But those things...the bad things. It’s only stuff we can handle, right?” 

 

“No. Not always.” The slime is almost ready. Alex is trying to prevent a ten-year-old from having an existential crisis. Things aren’t going amazing, but they certainly could be worse. “But that’s what family is for. And your friends can be your family too. That took me a long time to find out.” 

 

“Are you a part of my family?” Alex watches Ruby pick up and plop the goo down, over and over. Ruby’s having fun. She’s happy. Alex feels like she’s actually doing something right for a change. 

 

“If you’ll have me.” 

 

“Okay. Cool.” And just like that Alex has somehow - even in her catastrophically fucked-up-ness - weaseled her way into being wanted and cared for by another person. The clean up is made easier by Ruby’s insistence that they listen to music while they do so. Ruby has incredible music tastes for a kid and Alex suspects that she gets it all from Sam. Classic rock seems to be a favorite and Ruby surprises Alex by knowing every single word to  _ Let There Be Rock _ by AC/DC. Alex and Ruby are complementary air guitar players and after what feels like ten minutes of giggling and singing Alex banishes Ruby to the couch to begin her homework, while Alex orders food. Apparently, Ruby is taking summer classes as a way to catch up from last school year when she and Sam moved to National City and to get prepared for the workload of fifth grade. 

 

Ruby is fiercely independent. Even when Alex takes a seat next to her and Alex can see that Ruby is struggling, Ruby still tries to complete the problem on her own. Alex isn’t going to derail that determination, she just watches on and feels her heart swell with pride as Ruby finishes the problem set. 

 

“Can I take a picture of you with your finished homework? Your mom will probably be happy about it.” Ruby nods and holds up the paper with a big grin. Alex snaps a photo and sends it to Alex. “Thanks.” 

 

“Are you like Ben?” 

 

“Ben? Who’s that?” Ruby gets very quiet and for the first time since she’s met the girl, Alex senses a little ripple of turmoil. 

 

“My mom’s friend. Back in Metropolis. He was...kinda mean.” Ruby doesn’t look at Alex. She looks ashamed. Scared even. “They were only friends for a little while. Because he...hit her.” Now Alex fully understands. Sam’s not so subtle back and forth with her. Sam must be frightened of how quickly they’ve grown close, Sam probably trusts Alex but is too afraid to trust herself. 

 

“Ruby, can you look at me for a second?” 

 

“Yeah.” Ruby does.

 

“I’m not like Ben. But words only mean so much, so pay attention to the things that I do, and if anything ever scares you or makes you uncomfortable, talk to your mom. She’ll know what to do.” The door buzzes but Alex waits. This is important and she needs Ruby to understand exactly what she’s saying. 

 

“I knew you weren’t like him.” Ruby looks rather proud of herself and Alex takes that as her cue to go and grab the food. Eating with Ruby is like eating with Kara. The occasional two words interspersed with a lot of chewing. Alex is borderline thrilled that Ruby seems to leave all the heavy stuff behind and only wants to watch TV after dinner. Alex sets it up, per the parental controls and watches with her. 

 

Alex feels domestic and it somehow isn’t weird. She wonders, if only for a few moments if this is the kind of life she wants. Simple. Comfortable. Warm. But what is Alex without battles and blood? She isn’t sure if there’s enough of her to keep going if that’s taken away. Alex doesn’t have time to overthink, Ruby has snuggled up to her and dozed off, and Alex remembers that Sam was very clear about a nightly routine  _ before  _ Ruby goes to bed. 

 

“Ruby,” Alex whispers. “Hey, you gotta shower and brush your teeth before you go to bed.” Ruby groans and grumbles but she manages to pull herself up to her feet. While Ruby is busy, Alex cleans up everything in the kitchen, puts the dishes in the dishwasher, and plays with slime. 

 

“Alex!” 

 

It’s instinct for Alex to think the worst. She runs toward danger no matter what it is and even though this is a house and not a war zone, Alex is alert. When she gets to the bathroom, Ruby is standing there in a onesie, holding a toothbrush toward her. “You okay?”

 

“Yup.” Ruby is holding another toothbrush in her other hand. “My mom always brushes with me...it’s clean. I just got it out of the package.”

 

“Oh...okay.” Alex takes the toothbrush from Ruby and joins her at the double sinks. Ruby puts some toothpaste on her toothbrush and does the same for Alex. They brush and brush, and even though Ruby tries to finish before Alex’s two minutes are up, Alex feels like she’s somehow swapped places with her dad. Because this is the kind of thing he used to do. Alex is happy to tuck in and to check the closet for monsters because she doesn’t mind doing whatever she can to make sure Ruby is safe. 

 

Tonight was a success by all accounts and when Sam finally arrives back home at eleven, Alex feels the need to stay and make sure she’s safe too. “You put the dishes up? How domestic.” Sam says as she peels off her heels and slides onto the couch beside Alex. “How was she?” 

 

“Perfect. And she even gave me some slime.” Alex holds up a plastic bag filled with blue glittery slime. “I had a lot of fun.” 

 

“You did? You’re not just saying that because you know it’ll make me happy?” 

 

“No. Ruby’s a delight. Seriously.” 

 

“It’s late. You should stay over.” 

 

“If you want.” 

 

“ _ If I want _ . Well, what do you want?” The way Sam asks it, a playful giggle followed by the slightest nudge. Alex understands. She understands herself fully, for the first time in her entire life. She feels desire and she accepts it. She wants to be here with Sam, she wants to stay. Alex leans over and kisses Sam. And halfway between thinking she’s done something wrong and pulling Sam closer, Sam deepens the kiss. Sam’s lips are soft and she’s delicate and patient, allowing Alex to come to her, letting Alex touch her. There’s no rush, no desperate tugging to get to the  _ good part _ because this is the good part too. Sam toys with the hem of Alex’s shirt, touching the skin just above her hip. It’s gentle and feels as much like an invitation as it is an exploration. 

 

Alex has mostly kept her mind focused on kissing. Sam likes when Alex licks her lower lip, the soft humming sound Sam makes tells her that. Sam likes to bite, a soft tug of Alex’s lip and she’s diving back in for more. And more. And Alex clearly didn’t know that this is what kissing is supposed to feel like. Hot and fast and wet was fine, but this? This was taste and slow-building desire and when Alex reached her hand over and started unbuttoning Sam’s blouse, Alex is met with a sudden loss of contact. Sam's face is warm, her top is two buttons more open than it was five minutes ago, and she looks thoroughly kissed. 

 

Alex imagines that she looks the same.

 

“Fuck, did I do something wrong?” 

 

“No...no, not at all.” Sam pulls herself out of the haze. She holds Alex’s cheek and laughs. “You are an incredible kisser.”

 

“Thanks?” Alex pulls her hand back. “I did something wrong, right?”

 

“I’m just not ready to…” Sam motions between their bodies. “I want to. Like  _ really _ want to, but there are a lot of things…”

 

“You don’t have to explain,” And Alex does mean that. She doesn’t feel slighted, just nervous and maybe a little embarrassed for taking the risk. “I should go.” 

 

“Alex…” 

 

“Yeah?” Sam grabs hold of Alex’s hand. 

 

“Uh...sorry, my brain is short-circuiting, you’re just  _ that  _ hot.” Sam kisses Alex’s hand and releases her. “Let me walk you down.” Alex gathers her slime, shoes, and jacket and waits for Sam to put on these adorable pink fuzzy slippers. When they get on the elevator, Sam intertwines their fingers, and Alex notes that Sam has never looked more shy or beautiful than she does now. “I have a massive crush on you.” 

 

“Yeah? I’ve got a crush on you too.” 

 

“Does your breath always smell that good or were you like...prepared to jump my bones as soon as I came home?’ Alex laughs. Sam’s charm might just kill her.

 

“No, your daughter asked me to brush my teeth with her. Don’t worry, it was a new toothbrush. She even wrote my name in sharpie on it and put one of those plastic covers on it. Just in case.” The elevator door opens and Sam seems to have all but forgotten how to walk. “You okay?”

 

“Just surprised. That’s a pretty major step.” Sam finally starts walking into the lobby with Alex. “Okay, Alex Danvers...you’ve got my attention.” Sam wraps her arms around Alex’s neck and kisses her again. With the full force of passion behind them, this kiss brings lingering intensity and fire. This kiss is a confession from both of them:  _ all of me wants all of you _ . “I’ll see you soon.” 

 

As Alex is walking toward the exit, she turns on her heels. “Do you wanna go to this roller derby thing on Friday?”

 

“Roller Derby?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Hell yes, I do.” Alex will text her the details later, but now she watches Sam disappear behind the elevator doors. These feelings are trouble. Alex will never be able to hold everything in her hands, something will give. As long as she gets to continue being around Sam, Alex doesn’t care. 

 

* * *

 

Alex is busy caring for her Calathea when a string of fifteen texts come into her phone. She quickly realizes that it’s the normal group chat - James, Kara, Winn, Lucy, and Vasquez - but there’s currently some major drama about whether or not everyone is going to wear their derby fan shirts, half of which say “Lumberjack Lane” on the back and the other half that say “Dobby Danvers”. Kara, of course, had somehow weaseled her way onto the National City Iron Maidens even though she only goes to two practices a week. Alex was indifferent about which shirt they should wear, but Lucy’s ego occasionally needed placating. 

 

[Alex to Group]: _ Luce, I’ll wear your shirt, but no fighting _

 

Kara sends a series of angry emojis which only makes Alex laugh. Alex isn’t sure that Lucy won’t be a part of some scuffle tonight, but she hopes that at least she’ll save it for the end of the match. Somehow, Alex manages not to have jitters as she waits for Sam - and Lena - to show up. Alex knows that Kara is probably at least a little nervous about playing in front of Lena, but Alex is more fixated on the fact that she has no idea what she and Sam are to each other. If anything. She doesn’t want to assume that she can or should kiss her. Having this conversation over text didn’t seem like a good idea, so here Alex is holding a tiny spray bottle, wearing a tank top and joggers when there’s a knock at her front door. 

 

When Alex opens the door she’s met with friendly smiles as she ushers Lena and Sam inside. “Hey,” Alex says. 

 

“Are we early?” Lena asks, noting Alex’s state of dress.

 

“Uh, no, I’m late.” Alex scrambles around, setting the spray bottle back in its spot, and setting out two glasses and a bottle of wine in front of Lena and Sam. “Enjoy that if you want, let me go get dressed.” Alex pads to her bedroom and changes into something halfway presentable - which just means dark jeans and a t-shirt. Alex is preoccupied with looking for her jacket near and around her couch when she notices that Sam has it slung over her arm. “Are you wearing that?” Alex asks pointing to  _ her  _ jacket.

 

“Well, it is mine,” Sam jokes. 

 

“You’re sharing clothes already. Cute.” Lena pours one glass of wine and hands it to Sam. “I’m driving.” 

 

“Very thoughtful,” Sam notes. 

 

Alex holds out a t-shirt toward Lena with a grin. “This is Kara’s and I bet she’d be happy if you wore it.” Lena takes the t-shirt, she’s trying to hold back a smile, Alex can tell. “You two ready?” Sam knocks back the glass of wine and sticks her hands into  _ Alex’s  _ jacket pockets with a grin. 

 

On the way down to the parking garage, Lena seems to be playing coy while Sam tries her best to not kiss Alex. It’s actually fun, this game of subtle touching. Alex is content with the idea of having someone, even if Sam doesn’t seem like one to be had. 

 

Alex almost feels like this is a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it kind of thing. If that’s the case, then she wonders with all those nights of sleep between seeing each other will do to them. If it’s novelty, then that’s okay. Alex will continue to step forward even if it means she’ll get hurt. “Why don’t you do Roller Derby? It seems like it might be fun.”

 

“I’m scared of getting hurt.” Which is partially true. But more importantly, Alex can’t handle doing too many things that make life seem like a battlefield. The DEO was her limit. It was fun to watch though. A bunch of kickass women kicking ass. And even though Alex had to close her eyes every time Kara got hit, she still enjoyed seeing the regulars and cheering alongside the friends and family of the team. 

 

Lena’s car is something out of the future and while Alex is embarrassing herself by not knowing how to open the door, Sam is fiddling around with the radio. “Oh! Alex, check this out.” Lena giggles as the doors raise up on their own, she looks thrilled by how ridiculous her car is and something about it is endearing. 

 

When they arrive, Winn waves his arms dramatically and shows them the seats he saved for them. James is there too, trying to convince the DJ to play some Iron Maiden to no avail. “But it’s their team name!”

 

“James, I see you’re still persistent,” Alex says as she shakes his hand and motions Lena and Sam forward to take their seats. 

 

“So...do you know how any of this works?” Lena asks. Winn’s response is to pull out a giant diagram that he takes to every single match and dives into an elaborate - and boring - explanation of the rules. With Winn, Lena, and James distracted, Alex and Sam finally get a moment to themselves. 

 

“We never discussed rules,” Sam says quietly. “I wanted to kiss you earlier but...I didn’t know if that was okay or not.”

 

“Oh. I...I’m not sure.” Alex wants to be honest. She’s nervous and new to this, so she hopes that Sam will be patient with her. “Sorry, that’s not the best answer.” 

 

“No, I understand.” Sam watches Winn talking with his hands like always. “Your friends are all the total opposite of you.” 

 

“Hm, yeah.” Alex watches Lucy and Kara warm-up for a second. “I had a weird gap in life. The military gave me a lot of friends and then took too many of them away.” The match is about to start, Alex is thankful for the distraction. While the M.C.’s ask military personnel to stand, Alex busies herself with stealing James’ M&M’s. Everything feels normal until she feels Sam nudge her and sees Lena looking at her expectantly. 

 

“Aren’t you gonna stand?” Sam asks. 

 

“Oh, she never does,” Winn explains. But Sam and Lena are still looking at Alex. It’s easy to forget that Sam isn’t a typical part of this group. Because if she was, she’d know that this is just the way things are. Alex doesn’t stand, ever, she’d rather hide and forget. Not to mention forgive. 

 

“Why not?” Sam is still looking at her, even though the match has started. Kara is a jammer extraordinaire and Alex wonders if she’d break her own team record. 

 

“I don’t want...I’m not interested in people knowing that about me.” Both Sam and Alex know it’s a little more complicated than that. But essentially, yes, Alex wishes that she could remain invisible most of the time. Whatever sort of joy and hope that had been building up in Alex was slowly fading. The way Lena and Sam gave her reassuring looks like they understood. Like they ever could. It made Alex feel smaller than she already does. 

 

“I shouldn’t have asked.” Sam scoots closer to Alex. “If you ever want to talk about why then I’m here. If not, I’ll still get to marvel at how brilliant and brave you are. Military aside.” Alex feels encouraged. Light and breathless as Sam cheers and smiles and makes this sweaty auditorium feel like heaven. Alex feels just as exhilarated as the athletes knocking into each other fighting for inches not miles. 

 

Sam holds Alex’s hand and they don’t break apart until the time runs out. 

 

“Drinks?” Lucy says as she rollerblades up to them. Kara is tangled in a mess of arms and high fives on her way over. “Please.” 

 

“I’m in,” Lena says. 

 

Alex isn’t certain that she should go. She has about three hours before she’s supposed to be at work, but she knows that she can text, and get a little leeway on that. Not that she’s been the best employee lately. Or ever. “I’ll go if you promise not to get into trouble.” It’s a stupid thing to hope. A bunch of rowdy women still feeling that adrenaline rush are bound to cause trouble. 

 

All of which causes a bit of chaos when they go to a small dive bar just east of downtown. Lena and Kara go off to order pitchers, while Lucy, James, and Winn are falling into their usual banter. It’s comfortable and fun until Siobhan pushes her way toward Alex and slides a drink in front of her. “Whiskey, your favorite.” 

 

“Did Kara tell you that?” Alex asks. Out of the corner of her eye, Alex notices that Sam is moving closer to her side, sizing Siobhan up. 

 

“I pay attention,” Siobhan says with a shrug. “Hi, I’m Siobhan. I think I’ve seen you at Kara’s spot.” 

 

“Yeah, that’s me.” Sam doesn’t look impressed or particularly excited to see Siobhan here. “Great match.” 

 

“Thanks.” Siobhan all but ignores the compliment in favor of toying with the collar of Alex’s shirt. “You look nice tonight.” 

 

“It’s a t-shirt.” Alex brushes Siobhan’s hand away. She’s used to this from Siobhan but Sam is not. “Go flirt with Lucy or something.” 

 

“But you’re so much more fun,” Siobhan wines playfully. 

 

“I’m busy,” Alex informs her, nodding over to Sam. Siobhan’s eyes go wide, Alex continues motioning for her to leave, which she eventually does. Alex is finally able to return her gaze to Sam. “Sorry, about that, she’s…” Sam is closer to Alex than she’s been all night. Their thighs are touching, their fingers are inches apart, and Alex can feel herself leaning closer. 

 

Kissing Sam is like being lifted in the air and thrown into the ocean. Exhilarating. Surprising. Alex remembers the couch and how close they’d been to moving to the bedroom. Now Alex starts to wonder if she can even stop her hands, her lips, or her tongue from making crazy decisions. Alex grabs Sam’s hips, desperate for something to hang onto. Sam’s hands don’t stay still. They go from arms to shoulder to neck to face with ease. 

 

It isn’t until Alex hears Lucy yell, “Get a room!” that they pull back. Sam and Alex laugh at each other and then at themselves. Alex doesn’t feel like explaining anything to anyone and no one asks any questions. Kara does give her a thumbs up in a dorky and sweet way of showing her support. Twenty minutes go by in a blur with Sam and Alex dancing around the possibility of going home together. 

 

Lucy grabs Alex’s arm and tugs her away from the crowd. “Okay, Cassanova. I’m proud of you.” 

 

“Gee, thanks.” 

 

“I’m serious. Sam is...wayyyy out of your league, dork.” Lucy pokes Alex’s cheek. “And she fits in. Look at her.” Alex watches Sam join in on some drinking game with James and Kara. Sam does fit into the crooked and strange puzzle of Alex’s life. “How was babysitting?”

 

“Fun. Ruby’s great. And super bright!”

 

“See. You fit too.” Alex smiles at the thought of fitting in anywhere. She’s seconds away from braving the crowd, grabbing Sam’s hand, and inviting her to come home with her. For sex. For love. Who the fuck knows.

 

But Alex is grabbed first. A rough hand gripping her forearm enough to grab her full attention. “Danvers, I can’t believe it.” Alex pulls away from him. His voice is gritty, loud, and all too familiar. Daniel. He was in her unit overseas. He was the last person she ever expected to see. “Wow, it’s been a while.”

 

“Yeah.” He realizes almost immediately that Alex isn’t happy to see him. It’s awkward and cold. Alex wishes she had space to run or breathe. Daniel is drunk, obviously, he always was. Even back then. 

 

“None of us have seen you. We didn’t know what to think. Did you hear about Shaun?” Lucy is here and that makes this worse. Alex wants to scream or throw Daniel across the room. She doesn’t know how to get Daniel to shut up without physically making him. And she wants him to shut up. Because she does know what happened to Shaun. She heard about it in the paper. “Fucking brutal way to go-.”

 

“I heard.” 

 

“Yeah...you missed the fucking funeral-.”

 

“Everything okay here?” Lucy wouldn’t step in unless she knew Alex needed it. And she does need it. Daniel is six feet of reckless abandon. All power and pride and he has no clue how to turn it off. At least Daniel has the decency to calm his nerves and take a step away from Alex. 

 

“Oh,” He wiggles his eyebrows at Alex. “Nice.” 

 

“Fuck off.” Alex says it with a seriousness that shocks all of them. She doesn’t want to fight. She wishes she and Daniel could sit down, chat, find some nostalgia among all the hell that they went through. But no matter how hard Alex tries, she keeps getting stuck - between losing her father and experiencing war, she doesn’t know how to settle into something other than regret. Daniel goes to turn around and idle away in a corner somewhere but Alex reaches out and grabs his arm. “Wait…”

 

“Make up your mind,” Daniel mumbles. 

 

“Grab your beer.” Daniel listens to her. And even though Sam is somewhere across the room, when Alex, Daniel, and Lucy start for the back door of the bar, somehow she manages to catch up to them. They’re a ragtag bunch. Lucy, Alex, and Daniel walking with that slight poise that only combat can instill. Sam, a little tipsy, seeming weightless and curious and her eyes keep darting over to Alex as if to say  _ is this what we’re doing now? _

 

Alex holds up her beer and Daniel does the same, it seems like they’re in the early stages of understanding. Which is something that comes with years of working together. “For Gator,” Alex says and she splashes beer on the ground. 

 

“For Gator,” Daniel replies, doing the same. “He was...the loudest fucking person I ever met.” 

 

“He was also such a cocky asshole.” Alex smiles. 

 

“But he was brave, I’ll give him that. And good.” Daniel takes a drink and shrugs. “We all were.” 

 

Instead of getting sentimental, Daniel and Alex part with little more than a nod. Lucy and Sam don’t crowd her, they give her space to breathe and reflect at the front of the bar. When it gets to be too lonely - an hour later, after the derby team has started taking shots - and Alex is still leaning against the wall, Sam joins her again. She has her own cigarette this time but she has to find a random patron for a light. “What a night.” Sam leans against Alex’s shoulder. 

 

“Yeah.” Alex almost doesn’t talk about it. But it’s just them now. Outside in the quiet. All they needed were their chairs and it would almost be like they were on the roof. In the safest place they know. “I met Daniel on day one of basic training. He was an ass...still is. But he was there because he wanted to make some money. His high school sweetheart was pregnant.” 

 

“And why were you there?”

 

That almost makes Alex laugh. Almost. “Trying to fix shit that I never could.” Alex shakes off her jitters. “I don’t believe in war. I do believe in help. I just couldn’t shake this feeling like...I needed to do something. Anything. I should’ve listened to Kara.” 

 

“Hm. What did she want you to do?” 

 

“Stay, mostly. But I couldn’t look Kara or my mom in the eyes anymore so I found the best way to get as far away as possible.” Alex hands the cigarette over to Sam. They fall into a comfortable silence again. Sam seems to be heavily debating something. 

 

“That thing he said...about you two being good.” Sam looks at Alex thoughtfully. “You are. Good, I mean.” 

 

“Thank you-.”

 

“I mean it.” Sam kisses Alex’s cheek. “And you found your way back, didn’t you? Eventually.” Sam is right. She’s right most of the time, Alex comes to realize, which is why Alex feels at least thirty percent confident in the words that come out of her mouth next. 

 

“You wanna get out of here?” 

 

“Ohhhh, where should we go? I heard there’s this place that serves ice cream tacos.” 

 

“I was thinking...more like your place.” Sam grins. Alex tries not to blush too much, though she’s sure she does anyway. “If you want.” 

 

“Definitely.” Sam snubs out the cigarette, wraps her arms around Alex’s neck, and pulls her in for a long and wondrous kiss. “Okay, Alex.” She kisses the nape of Alex’s neck and then leans closer to her ear, “Take me home.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's been so long since the last update, been working on some fun work stuff and it's taken over! This one was super fun to write and I honestly can't wait to write the next chapter. 
> 
> Sidebar: I am now 100% obsessed with the USWNT and NWSL, so that is all I can think about right now. Do you all have favorite players? Teams? I'm highkey thinking of traveling to Portland to see a game.


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